This is a repost from July 24, 2008 of a letter I wrote to the cat from hell. We rescued her after she was abandoned by her mother and nursed her back to health only to find out that her mother had obviously mated with either a vampire or Satan himself. After she got older and healthy, she was adopted by a family that owns a pottery business to be their "kiln kitty." She lives in their shop to get the field mice that are looking for warmth in the kiln room. She is currently doing well and the new family loves her (because they were smart enough not to let her into their home). Here is the ode to my experience with her:
Dear Kitty Kruger,
Before I begin, Kitty, please let me say that you are a very welcome addition to our family, but in order to keep it that way there are a few things that we must discuss.
Number one, my purse is not your bed. After numerous mornings of waking up and thinking that our house was ransacked and only my purse was robbed, I discovered you curled up and sleeping soundly in it. Although I do enjoy a good game of hide and seek as much as anyone, I think cleaning up my personal effects on a daily basis is a bit excessive. In order to avoid this, I'd like to suggest some alternatives that we've provided for your sleeping arrangements such as the couches, chairs, beds, etc. I'm sure that you will find them quite comfortable. This list of places to sleep does not include the laptop keyboard or the clean laundry. And on that note, my bras and underwear are not toys.
Next, we need to discuss your nicotine addiction. I do buy cheap cigarettes but may I suggest that if you're only going to pull them out of the pack and gnaw on them that you start buying chew. It comes in many flavors and is much more inexpensive, provided that you do not have a job. I can no longer pay for your habits. Also, I would like to know where you hid all of my lighters. They are not toys, you know. So if you would kindly return them, it would be appreciated.
And after a discussion, the dog would also appreciate it if you would please stop bullying and harassing him. He understands that someday you will be bigger than him and I am concerned that when this day comes, I will come home and find only an ear and a few rib bones laying around if this abuse does not stop. He is very fragile and already has a complex about weighing 4.5 lbs and you are not helping the situation. I fear that he is becoming suicidal because of the constant attacks. If we could please come to some type of happy medium, it would be appreciated.
Also, Kitty, I am not a scratching post. I understand that I have appendages that I move while sleeping but my toes are not a threat to my safety and do not need to be destroyed. I understand that you do not wear shoes and do not know the pain of trying to walk around with scratches on the tops and bottoms of your feet, but it is really quite uncomfortable and a bit painful at times. I know that you are only trying to protect me, but I assure you that they do belong where they are and they are no danger to me.
And the children are not lunch. I know that you have the natural instinct to stalk your prey, but they are not edible and should not be treated as such. They have been living in terror and asking if they could install trapeze swings to get from one end of the house to the other safely without a kamikaze attack that usually ends with you drawing blood from one or more of them. They are young and the scratches will probably heal without scarring but I do not want to take any chances. Please understand that they are terrified and know how to use directory assistance to find the number for the humane society. They have drawn their line in the sand. I am just the messenger.
And finally, I would like to remind you that you do have food dishes that have cat food in them at all times. They are located in the living room behind the straight back chair. The garbage can is not a buffet. Sweeping up coffee grounds multiple times in one day can become tiresome after a while and I am spending a fortune on garbage bags to replace the ones that you have shredded to pieces. And please do not try to blame it on the dog. He can't jump high enough to get into the garbage can and probably does not weigh enough to tip it over if he could.
So please take this letter into consideration and hopefully we can come to some kind of agreement that allows us all to co-exist peacefully. Something needs to change. I fear that the dog is concocting a plan of escape and that someone in the house will come down with cat scratch fever if this behavior does not stop.
Jenn
P.S. Let's also try to keep the kitty litter inside the box. It hurts my scratched and bleeding feet when I am stumbling to the kitchen for my morning coffee. Thanks.
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