This is a continuation of a blog I did a while ago about shit that annoys me. I've had a short fuse lately, so the list has grown significantly. Here we go...
- Boys that wear girls pants. This is ri-goddamn-diculous. You have a penis. I don't want to see your junk squashed into a pair of Levi Slim Cut because you feel the need to emasculate yourself to get chicks. I would fucking eat you alive.
- When people ask me to "borrow" a tissue or napkin. Know what buddy, you can go right ahead and keep it. I don't want it back after you've blown your nose or wiped your mouth with it. It's all yours.
- People who park crooked. They make the little lines on the parking space straight for a reason! Take the extra 30 seconds to back up and try it again. It makes me want to piss in your gas tank.
- Loud children in restaurants. I work in a casual fine dining restaurant. People come there to relax and sip martinis, not to put up with your screaming brats that are throwing grilled potato slices across the table at each other. Shut them up or get the hell out. My son doesn't do it. We are running a restaurant, not a zoo or a playground.
- Celebrity baby names. Seriously, Apple? Who names their effin kid Apple?
- People that send me multi-media messages on my cell phone when they know I can't get them. I refuse to pay and extra $15 a month on top of the $30 a month I already pay for "Unlimited text, picture and multi-media" messaging on my AT&T bill to get them. See, read the fine print. AT&T sucks. Don't send them to me.
- Aftertastes. I've eaten the food, it's now in my belly, so why do I want to have the taste still lingering in my mouth? And it never tastes the same. I eat some delicious ice cream and now I'm walking around breathing the funk of sour milk on other people. Ask me why I'm an obsessive/compulsive teeth brusher.
- The fact that there's a million checkout lines at Wal-Mart (or any bigger store) and there are only 3 open. This drives me absolutely insane. And you always get stuck waiting with your measly 3 items behind Shaniqua, her 35 kids and her 3 shopping carts that are brimming with Twinkies and jeans that are too tight to ever possibly fit over her fat ass. Thank god for self-checkout.
- When people leave me a voicemail and mark it 'Urgent' when it's not. Are you trapped in a burning building or is someone I care about dead? No? Then it's not fucking urgent!
- Relatives that ask me when I'm planning on settling down. This also includes relatives that, when I'm dating someone for longer than a month, ask me when I'm getting married. I'm going to do what my parents did when I bugged them for something and make you wait longer. Every time you ask me, I'm going to wait a year. This should put me at about...NEVER!
- Rap. Not all rap, mind you. But I can't stand the shit about how much money you have, how fly your bitches are or your pimped out ride. I don't give a shit about your bling or your grill. You talk in rhymes, you're going to blow all of your money on necklaces and houses and you'll be no one in 10 years. Look at MC Hammer.
- McDonald's cups that my son lets sit in my back cup holder. I don't look in the back seat often and I'm sure if you have kids, this has happened to you at least once. The carbonation from the soda somehow chemically reacts and eats through the cardboard of the cup so you're left with a bottomless cup floating in a puddle of root beer. And you know that if you lift the cup, it's just going to leak all over the interior of your car. This is a no win situation.
- Over-priced items. These items (i.e. candy, popcorn, sodas, cotton candy, beach towels) can be found at places such as movie theaters, theme parks, carnivals, concerts, etc. I will take a chance on getting busted for smuggling a bottle of soda into a movie theater rather than shell out the $4.75 for a small coke. I'm already got raped paying for gas to get to the theater and paying $9.00 for the ticket to get in so cut me some slack.
- Paternity test shows. I don't care who the baby daddy is! Anyone that would drag someone on TV to let all of America know that she let 6 different guys blow a load in her around the same time that her kid was conceived is trash. That's a private matter and I can't believe Maury Povich would exploit these d-bags on public television for ratings. It is sickening. And then we have the women that have paternity tested 10 different guys and STILL haven't figured out who the father is. That's like announcing the world that you are a whore. At least start charging for it so you can support that kid.
- When someone notices that something smells bad so they stick it in your face and say "Eww, this stinks. Smell it." I'm guilty of this myself. If you've already noticed that something smells or tastes putrid, wouldn't you want to protect everyone around you and get rid of it ASAP? No, we're all sadistic little bastards that want our friends to suffer just as much as we did.
- I bought a pack of 20 and I'm down to 2. Yes, 2. I've seen that damned cat batting them around the house and I take them from her, but somehow she manages to get them back. I've found them under every major appliance and piece of furniture in our house. I'm actually thinking of resorting to buying a pack of color coded ones just for her. Seriously cat, give them back when you're done with them!
- Packaging for toys. I bought my sister a Bratz doll and it took me no less than 10 minutes to get that sucker out of the packaging. I had to unwind all the little twisty things and pull out the little plastic zig-zag things that were taped down, only to find that her hair was SEWN INTO the cardboard backing. What the hell? I swear to god that is how I spent half of my Christmas morning, opening toys for the kids because playing with them was like trying to get into Ft. Knox.
- Dogs barking when I'm trying to sleep. It's usually my dogs that bark if they hear someone fart (I swear it's true). I love my pets and would never hurt them, but I now understand animal abuse. When you're semi-conscious at 3 a.m., it doesn't count.
- The fact that I have a TV station out of Philly when I live over an hour away. What the hell? The weather doesn't matter to me, the current events don't matter to me so why would they put that channel on my 'local channels'? I guess it's better than the one out of Baltimore that we used to have...
- Having to get the Big 10 Network to watch all of the Penn State games. I don't have DirectTV and if I'm not mistaken (which I may be) Comcast is now offering it, but in my neck of the woods, Comcast is not an option for cable subscription. State College is 50 miles from my house and I can't sit at home to watch every game? It would probably cost less for me to drive to State College, buy a scalped ticket and watch the game live than it would be for me to switch to DirectTV and buy the subscription.
