I have been either a full- or part-time server pretty much all of my working life. During that time, I have studied my customers and all of the annoying habits that come along with them, the worst of which is believing that these habits are completely acceptable. Before you worry your pretty little face that you are one of the awful customers I speak of, know that not all customers are terrible. Some are pleasant and we do enjoy serving them. It is just that the majority of diners are absolute nightmares that believe bartenders and servers are idiots that can't find another job. We are treated in that manor, even while many of us are working to put ourselves through school or earn a little extra for our families.
"Am I an asshole diner," you wonder? I am not sure, but don't worry. With my helpful guide to not being an asshole while you are dining, you too can end your offensive behavior and become one of our favorites! Keep reading to find out which side of the dime you are on.
1. First off, if there are 6 or more people in your dining party, it is a good idea to make a reservation. This avoids all of the over-exaggerated sighing and eye rolling that we see you doing while you are waiting on a table large enough to accommodate all of you. The reason the parties of two, three and four are being seated ahead of you is because we have an abundance of tables to seat them quickly. If you call ahead, there is a good chance we will have a table ready for you, too. If there is a no-call policy, you are on your own with taking a chance at getting a large table on a busy night.
2. Treat the restaurant table the same way you would treat your own dinner table. Do you let your kids smear food across your table or leave your pile of Sweet and Low packets and dust laying next to your glass at home? No? Please explain why it is acceptable to do this in a restaurant. I understand that I am getting paid to take your order, bring your food and make sure that you have a pleasant dining experience, but acting like complete pigs just because you don't have to clean up the mess is gross. If you realize you don't like something as you are chewing your food, please try to at least spit it into a napkin instead of the middle of your plate or onto the table. The server or busser that is clearing your table didn't cook the food and we don't need a visual of the offending item. Believe me, we understood your displeasure when you started bitching about it. A little consideration goes a long way.
3. Please read your coupons BEFORE you try to use them. If you cannot use them on certain days or with other promotions, your server will refuse them. Is this our decision? No. It is probably the decision of management or the owner. Do you get angry at us because we were the ones that had to tell you no? Usually. Please take a second to read the fine print or present the coupon to your server before ordering to avoid any problems. And don't leave them on the table with your payment and walk out before the server can take it. It is a dick move and your server usually has to cover the cost of the coupon if it can't be used.
4. If you think you might need something when your server asks, please speak up. We are not telepathic, nor do we know what condiments you prefer on your burger. If you don't tell us, there is a good chance you won't get what you need (with the exception of commonly used items like ketchup for fries and A-1 for steaks, just to name a few). We do not know that you like to dip your fries in mayo or use so much ranch dressing that your salad becomes a soup. So when I deliver your food and say to you, "Can I get you anything else right now," this would be the time to speak up. If you miss your chance, any good server will be back in 2-5 minutes to see how your meal is going. This is your second chance grace period in which you have been noshing for a bit and have certainly realized that you could use an extra lemon for your iced tea. Tell us now or risk going without.
5. Drink refills. Where do I even begin on this one? If there was even a chance in hell that I would ever be insane enough to open my own restaurant, I would install self-serve drink fountains at strategic intervals throughout my establishment so you can suck down as much diet coke as you want with your double cheeseburger and loaded waffle fries. While this would be ideal, it is not the case in most restaurants. Your server should be looking a your drinks as they are passing and refilling as needed, but if you suck down an entire Mt. Dew within 5 minutes of receiving it, you are probably going to have to wait for a refill or (gasp) drink the water that was brought to you as you were being greeted. If your server forgets your drinks, please politely remind them because they have probably seen your empty glass and realized that they fouled up. If your drink is forgotten twice, your server is either having a bad night or is a complete idiot. Please use your discretion before blowing up on them. Secondly, if your server comes to your table to get someone else a refill and you think you might want another drink, please let them know. There is nothing more irritating than bringing a refill only to see that someone else at that table managed to finish a drink that was 3/4 full when he or she was there a few minutes prior. Your server now has to go get another drink from the place he or she just came from. Serving is all about being efficient and this is not helping. And iced tea drinkers, we will not run out of your sweet liquid gold. I swear. You do not have to suck it down like you have just returned from a trek across the Sahara. Iced tea is a diuretic and it is hard on your kidneys. Also, the amount of sugar in sweet tea (even the house brewed kind) is way more than the amount of sugar in soda. Have fun getting your cavities filled.
6. The more special requests for the way your food is cooked, the better the chance it will come out wrong. The restaurant business is a fast-paced industry. We want to get you in, get you fed and get you on your way. When you ask for so many requests on an item that it almost becomes a different item, it can cause a snag in that pace. The server has to enter all of the modifications into a computer that may or may not have options to modify your food in the correct way. The order then goes to the kitchen staff, who may interpret all of the mods in a different way than your server entered them. Most times, someone will catch it while traying your food, but if it makes it to the table and there is a problem, please stay calm and bring it to your server's attention. A good server will rectify the problem as soon as humanly possible. We are not intentionally trying to make you eat onions on your first date. We will get you a new quesadilla.
7. You are at a restaurant, not a daycare center. The employees at the restaurant are there to feed you, not babysit your obnoxious children. The other diners are there to eat and are not equipped to defend themselves from a handful of ice cubes that have now become projectile missles because you would rather gossip about the other moms in the PTA than you would pay attention to the unacceptable behavior of your children. The reason the server hasn't been back to check on you? Your kids are assholes and so are you.
8. Just because the table beside you ordered after you, but got their food first, it does not mean your server forgot to place your order. Two medium rare steaks take less time to cook than two well done burgers. Also, some sides are prepared ahead of time and some are made to order. If you have a ton of special requests, it is going to take longer than a straight up menu item. There are a number of reasons check times can vary. If you are concerned, ask politely and your server will check for you. If your server forgot to enter your order, you can rest assured that he or she will be getting his or her ass ripped out by not only the manager, but also by the kitchen staff that now has to squeeze in another order and get it out as soon as possible.
9. Tip your server, and make sure the amount is based on the original check total, not the discounted amount. I know you were all waiting on this one, but it's something that needs to be addressed. Most servers are being paid between $2.15-$2.83 an hour. We live off of our tips. Let's do some math. If a family of two adults and two kids come in on kids eat free day and the check totals $15 after the discounts, 10% is only $1.50 and 20% is $3.00. If the check was undiscounted, it might be around $25.00. That would be a $2.50 or $5.00 tip if the percentages were the same. Every little bit counts. We still ran the same amount of food, refilled the same amount of drinks and did the same amount of work, just for less money. It is frustrating and disheartening. Also, the acceptable tip rate is now at 18%. 15% is annoying but acceptable; 10% has your server fantasizing about spitting in your next refill. And don't stiff your server. There are a lot of reasons that he is she might be having a bad night. A little bit of something goes a long way. If nothing else, surprise the shit out of them and leave them a good tip. I guarantee they will remember you.
10. Which brings me to my final tip: WE REMEMBER YOU. Oh yes, we freaking do. The way you treat your server is something that does not go unnoticed. While some customers are remembered for their generosity and politeness, it is the really awful ones that stand out in our minds. If you come in on half price burger night, make a ton of special requests and tip 5% on your half price check, your face is now burned into your server's memory. If your kids make the table look like a caged wildebeest was set loose, your server takes a mental picture of all of your faces. If you complain every time you come in to eat just so you can get a few dollars off your check, your server will recognize you. They point you out to the other servers and let them know what kind of person you are. Every server in that restaurant knows what to expect from you. Please just keep that in mind the next time you decide that you are not going to leave a tip. You may not remember us, but we sure as hell will remember you.
