I love movies. I especially love the movies where the nerdy boy/girl overcomes great odds to show up the popular kids that have been making them feel like crap. Such a great concept...too bad stuff like that never usually happens here in the real world.
My little sister, Trid, is dealing with a few bullies. The worst thing about this bully is that sometimes she is a friend to Trid, then they have an argument and this girl and her posse harass my little sister constantly. It is called relational aggression and it has gotten to the point where my little sister does not like leaving the house for fear that she may run into this girl or one of her cronies. They harass her on Facebook, at school while no one is watching...any chance that they get. My little sister even sent me a text last night asking me to please tell this girl to stop.
It took me back to when I was younger and got picked on. A lot. I was teased because I was tall ("Hey look, it's the Jolly Green Giant!"), because I was fat ("Oh no, it's an earthquake! Nope, it's just Jenn.") and because I was poor ("Where do your parents shop for you? The city dump?"). I was picked on because my best friends (the Gettelbugs) were my friends and THEY were poor. I couldn't escape it. It seemed like any reason that I should be picked on was tattooed across my forehead with a big bulls eye beneath it.
(it's a long story but the follow up is after it)
I told my parents. Their advice? "Just ignore it." Really? Okay. So I became a complete recluse. I became a reader, hung out with the Gettelbugs and a handful of other kids, played with my dog. Still the bullying continued (being a reader gave them even more reasons to pick on me). Thankfully we didn't have the internet so this was confined to school and a few mean girls in my neighborhood.
I also told school administrators. I remember my first grade teacher telling me to "stop being a tattletale and figure out what I'M doing that is causing them to pick on me." Great advice to give a little kid. I had no idea what I was doing. I wracked my brain to figure it out. All that did was make me question the things about myself that I thought were okay and it completely crushed my self-esteem. Obviously if they were picking on me because of my physical self, that needed to change.
This was about the time that I hit sixth grade and went "grunge." I started listening to the Seattle bands, wearing ripped up clothes, not washing my hair...all of this in an effort to make these kids think that I was so weird that they would just leave me alone. That all backfired on me. I was tortured relentlessly because of the way that I dressed, my greasy hair (personally, I will never let any of my kids leave the house looking like I did) and my taste in music. There really was no relief. I hated everything about myself.
This is when I started cutting, way back before they even had a name for it. My 6th grade student teacher noticed it and made me go talk to the guidance counselor. The guidance counselor looked at me like I was insane. Teachers weren't trained on how to deal with stuff like that (looking back, I'm glad they didn't commit me) back then so he sent me to the nurse (who also looked at me like I was insane). She cleaned me up, told me that I'll get ugly scars if I continued and sent me back to class. Problem solved. Except that now everyone thought that I was a weirdo (well, even more of a weirdo than they did before). A girl that cuts herself? Freak! Add another reason to the list.
I just kind of floated with a few select friends throughout my days. I was missing school a lot because I didn't want to deal with the constant harassment. My mom let me stay home one day after I claimed that I was "sick" and I don't remember much about the day except crying a lot. This was the day of my suicide attempt.
I'm not going to get into all of the details because it's a time in my life that I really don't care to remember. But I think that's what it took to finally shock my parents into realizing that I was not okay. Things were more serious than I let on and I was not able to ignore the bullying. It was a very, very dark time in my life. I did not want to get out of bed, eat, shower...nothing. I really didn't care anymore.
Enter Mr. Thompson, a (different) guidance counselor at my school. I began going to talk to him during study hall and he helped me realize that I had to get through this. I talked to him the rest of my 6th grade year and slowly started to feel better about myself. When summer break hit, I was free from the threat of bullies and I was able to slowly repair my self-confidence over the next three months.
You see, something changed inside of me over those three months. I resolved that I would no longer give a damn what anyone thought about me. These kids obviously didn't care that their bullying had almost pushed me into a coffin, why in the hell should I care about them? This probably wasn't the best mentality because after the first girl called me Jolly Green Giant, I knocked her on her ass without blinking an eye. So began my life AS the bully.
I was mean, I was intolerant...I was a fucking nightmare. I would have beaten myself and locked me in my room until I was an adult if I were my parents. I was in fights all the time. I smoked, I drank. I didn't care.
I also got pregnant when I was 17. The wheels on the bus came to a screeching halt that day. I was no longer just protecting myself...I was now responsible for this little life that I was carrying around. It was like someone flipped a switch in my head and kicked me in the ass at the same time. I could spend my life letting this hatred for everything that happened to me eat away at my mind and teach my unborn child that it's okay to be a bully and that it's okay to hate...
Or I could get over myself. The choice for me was simple. I had spent entirely too much time and energy (and money to pay the fines that came along with it) being angry. I was done. I could care less about what people thought of me without punching them in the face. And that's what I did.
The whole point to that long winded story is that I look at Trid and I see her walking down the exact same path that I took. She changed suddenly last year and started wearing black eye liner and trashy clothes and hanging out with girls that did the same. She's now getting into trouble in school and fighting with my parents. I really worry that she will follow the same path that I did because of people making her feel bad about herself.
So I have been printing everything that has been said about my little sister on Facebook and keeping it, just in case we need it. I've also had Trid and my dad log all of the incidents that have happened with this group of girls to prepare for a legal battle if anything arises.
I also found out that the school district that my sister attends has a Zero Tolerance policy on bullying and I'm hoping that I can persuade my parents into taking this a little more seriously than they took my situation since the complaint to the district must be lodged by a parent or guardian (yeah, I've already tried). If the school treats it the way that they treated me when they knew something was going on, I hope that my parents get her out of there. Switch districts. I've already offered to take custody of her (even though she would HATE the way Big Daddy runs this house. No pink hair dye and black eyeliner on middle schoolers here!) just to get her away from all of it. It was one of the best decisions that I have ever made regarding Evel. He's a different kid now that he isn't being picked on every day on his 45 minute bus ride home. But something has got to give with her before it's too late. She can't do this alone.
No kid should have to go through this. I have been on both sides of the bully/victim line and I can't imagine going through it again. I just hope that Trid is stronger than I was and makes it through this unharmed. She's such a beautiful person and for me to have to sit by and watch this happen absolutely kills me. I know how I felt every single day. I just wanted to disappear into my books where everyone lived happily ever after or crawl under my desk and hide until the last bell rang. I just remember the feeling of relief that would was over me when I got off of that bus at night. Now she doesn't even have that because these girls harass her via the internet. I couldn't imagine.
And the real kicker in all of this is that the girls that are putting her through all of this are girls that call themselves her "friends." I don't know about you, but none of my friends make me feel bad about myself. If they do, then they lose the title of "friend" in my book. They become nothing to me. But to be in middle school and have these "friends" call you ugly and tell you that you're a whore and make you feel like shit every other day (and night) is a whole different ballgame. Friends are supposed to help you through stuff like this and help you nurture and grow your self-worth, not tear it to pieces. These girls are toxic and she needs to get the hell away from them before it's too late.
So I am asking you to please listen to your children. Watch for signs of depression since it's never too young for someone to make them feel bad about themselves. In the wake of all of suicides of people that have not even begun their life lately, there are places to turns. Speak to your kids teachers, administrators and even the school Superintendent if it doesn't let up. Keep logs of harassment and document anything from the internet. Please take your children seriously because it could be a matter of life or death.
Links:
For more info on bullying prevention, signs that your child may suffer from depression and other useful resources, please visit the links below:
Stop Bullying Now! (a government sponsored website)
Bullying Prevention - National Crime Prevention Council (with tips from McGruff the Crime Dog)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - 1-800-273-TALK (general info on suicide with signs to watch for)
Child and Adolescent Mental Health Resources (from the National Institute on Mental Health)
Ellen DeGeneres' Campaign To End Bullying (various links to organizations devoted to ending bullying)
It Gets Better Project (videos from Lesbian, Gay, Bi and Transgendered people to let youth know that it does get better)
To Write Love On Her Arms (a non-profit group dedicated to helping people that are at risk for various reasons. A personal fave of mine)
The Trevor Project (created to also support LGBTQ youth that are being bullied due to their sexual orientation)
The Ophelia Project (focuses on relational aggression and how to stop it. EXACTLY what is happening to my little sister)
Relational Aggression Links (when cliques exclude a person to exert power. EXACTLY what is happening to my sister. provided by Hope House. scroll down the page and many links are listed.)
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