A Guide on Perry County Domestic Relations and How To Train a Poodle To Jump Through All of Their Hoops

I am (again) being taken back to court by Evel's biological father because he is petitioning (yet again) to have his child support dropped. He is requesting this because he has "mental issues" and "aching hands" and claims that he cannot work because of this, yet he is unable to produce a doctor's note/excuse stating that this is true and correct. So I have to get all of my info together and drive to the county courthouse where my case exists (an hour away) by 8:20 in the morning so they can run the numbers and (hopefully) tell him (again) that the support order stands because he is paying less than the minimum payment since I'm such a nice gal. He is also asking that support be dropped because my wishes (spoken to him 8 years ago) were that he not see Evel. I have never said this. I have never had a custody order drawn up. This is not true. He neglected to take the time to see his son for the past 8 years. The last time I talked to him, he called me to ask me to take him to the bar. I told him never to call me again unless it was concerning Evel. Wow, do I know how to pick 'em or what?

So this brings me to my next question: How is it possible that he can ask for a hearing to petition child support when he hasn't paid anything toward it since May of 2009? Why is he not in prison? And when I received it last time (in May 09), it was only received in March, April and part of May 09. Before that, it was countless months that my son received nothing. I was told by my caseworker in August 09 that they were "looking into" why the payments were not being made. I asked her what my options were and I was told that if they found him non-compliant, they would file an order so he would have to appear in court and if he was found in contempt of the child support order, he would go to jail and have to go to work release to make up for the missed payments. I got a letter stating that he had a court date, then another stating that he needed a statement from a doctor saying that he could not work and a paper stating that they had given him an extension on his court date, then finally a letter stating that the court date was cancelled. So after each or these letters, I called my caseworker and was told by her that this was the "proper procedure" that was being followed and that he needed a chance to prove that he could not work. The last letter was received in November. So this is why I was surprised when I discovered on the child support law website today that after 30 days of non-payment, I can file a contempt action (I was told by my caseworker that this was the court's decision) and that if I hire a lawyer, the court may order him to pay my legal fees and I can also request that a sheriff auction off any property that he owns to cover back support. More important information that Perry County Domestic Relations held from me when I asked what my options were as far as prosecuting. I know now that I will be requesting that they take him immediately to prison when the hearing is over.

And I also found out today that I was lied to 10 years ago when the original support order was drawn up. When I was asked by the officer that was doing the calculations for the support order approximately how much I thought that I needed to take care of a 9 month old baby, I mentioned child care expenses. He immediately stopped my and told me that child care expenses were not included in Evel's dad's child support payment. If I needed to have child care, I was to go through the Child Care Network for low cost care because I was not working. Number one, I was not working because I was going to college. PA state law says that child care is included in the amount of adjusted support if the custodial parent is working or needs child care to ATTEND COLLEGE to better support the child. Secondly, I could not get any assistance from the Child Care Network because I lived at home and with my parent's combined income, I was over the income amount to receive assistance. My parent's didn't pay my child care expenses so I was stuck in that situation for years. And I also feel that I was bullied into taking 50% of what the calculated payment came out to be. I had no idea what it cost to raise a child. It was my first child and I was 18 years old and I had this man (an officer of the court) telling me that there was no way that I would need $90.00 a week to raise my child. So I took $45.00 because I knew that Evel's dad had another kid on the way. See where being nice gets you? If only I knew then what I know now.

I do not understand how this system works. I see plenty of examples how it is broken, though. Evel's father can petition and get extensions to get around paying support but I am told that there is nothing that I can do to have the order enforced when clearly there has been an option the entire time and clearly he has been non-compliant.

And when I asked how to have my child support case moved to Snyder County because that is where my son currently resides, I was told that it wasn't possible because it was "an inconvenience" to my son's father and they like to keep it in the father's home county because of enforcement issues (i.e. in case they have to take him to jail. I see how well that is working). So low and behold, while I was on the PA child support law website today (and with some good advice from Colleen...THANK YOU!!), I find that all I have to do is open a new case in Snyder County after this court date. That is it. Since all of the systems are linked, they can check to see how much the order is now and they can adjust it accordingly. Another PCDR myth debunked!

So as I am discovering all of this new information today, I figured I would call the phone number that is listed on the order to appear in court that is provided to find low cost law representation. So I call the number (PA Lawyer Referral Service, 800-692-7375) and I am told that they have no lawyers that cover Perry County cases for child support or family law. They refer me to MidPenn Legal Services (717-232-7536). The woman on the phone told me that they could refer me to a lawyer, but it would be full cost. She referred me to the Legal Aid Office (717-232-0581) and told me that they would look at my income and try to a participating lawyer. So I call them up. No lawyers for cases in Perry County. So they refer me to another number. 1-800-692-7375. The PA Lawyer Referral Service. The first number that I called. Yeah, I thought the same thing (probably worse). So I called MidPenn back. The woman that I spoke to was very understanding but basically told me that there was nothing she could do but give me a referral to a lawyer. So thanks again, PCDR FOR POINTING ME IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION!

So my advice to any woman out there that lives in Perry County, Pennsylvania and is expecting a child: Cross the boarder into Dauphin, or Franklin, or Juniata or ANYWHERE else and lay that egg. Perry County Domestic Relations is just another example of what makes Pennsylvania's government the laughing stock of the United States.

Why Did Stephie Borrow the Carpet Shampooer?

I had to share this text conversation with everyone. I have not laughed this hard all week. It's priceless. I thank the Lord for giving my sister and myself our quick wit and warped sense or humor.

Text #1 from Satan to Me:
Will you ask mom for a roll of toilet paper to bring over?

Text #2 from Me to Satan:
She said drag your butt across the carpet like the dogs do.

Text #3 from Satan to Me:
Well then ask her if I can borrow the carpet shampooer

Mama and I laughed for five minutes straight. I had to share that little gem with all of you. Hope it made you day like the way it made mine.

A Birdie Left Me a Present Today...

The other day I drove to the fire house to vote. Yay me for doing my civic duty as an American but for once I'm not bitching about the government. Back to my misfortune... 

So I get back to my house and seeing how it's a glorious day with no chance of rain in sight, I decided to leave my window halfway down to air out the horrid smoke stench that has worked it's way into the upholstery of my car over years that I used to smoke. I came in and did some stuff around the house and since I wasn't planning on going out, I forgot to put my windows up. No problem. I go out to my car to take care of it and to my surprise, a birdie left me a little present.

Actually, I should say that this was no little present. This was a gigantic splattered wad of purple and white bird shit that shot out of a birds ass like a screaming, heat-seeking missile and connected with my car. The best (or worst) part was that when it hit, half of it made it inside of my car through the open window. So I not only have a huge smear running down the outside of my car, I have bird turd running down the inside of my window and door and all over my seat. This explosion even managed to hit my center console and heat controls. And it's fucking purple. My car is disgusting enough and this just added to the problem. I am just wondering how the window managed to hold up against the high caliber assault that it took.

Judging from the amount, I do believe there was an ostrich or resurrected pterodactyl sitting in the tree above my parking space when the offense was committed. If it wasn't for the fact that I fear that I would be carried away but the monstrous phoenix that is responsible for this disgusting display of feces, I swear to god I would be loading my paintball gun and picking off any happily chirping bird that was unfortunate enough to get within 20 feet of my car. 

If I ever come across the nest of the creature that did this, I fully intend on a long night of Corona's and Mexican food before I return the favor. I swear if I find it, I'm going to turn it's little baby eggs into omelets for Mr. Ears to prevent anyone else from suffering the same fate. Revenge will be mine.