Seven Day Moving Diary

This in an old blog originally posted on December 8, 2008 on my Myspace page, which has since been deleted. It chronicles the chaos that ensued when Stephie and I moved into a house together. Hope it gives you a chuckle. 

The Seven Day Moving Diary 

Monday, December 1, 2008:

• Signed the lease and got the keys.

• Took Satan to pool match, took Mama and the kids to check out the new place.

• Had asthma attack due to musty, dusty air in house.

• Picked Satan up from pool league. Came back to house with Stephie, Ron, Shauna, Brian and Nick.

• Played Captain Dickhead with naked, 80's chick cards purchased from drunk biker in Horseshoe Bar parking lot.

• Brian: Ehshoosh me, I'm moffin. (English Translation: Excuse me, I'm talking).

• Satan: Steph eff herself.

• Brian couldn't get his pants up.

• End of night one.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008:

• Woke up at parent's house with eyes swollen shut from poor air quality in rental house.

• Packed all morning.

• Satan and Ron went to get ugly green (but very comfy) couches from his house.

• Dropped a giant box of books on my foot.

• Crammed the Jetta as full as possible. Safe operating weight limit exceeded.

• Unpacked car, watched Satan and Ron unload truck full of furniture.

• Went home for load two. Satan and Ron went to Hans' to get furniture.

• Trapped Kitty Kruger in box of clothing, have the scratches to show her feelings on the situation.

• Loaded Jetta again.

• Smashed picture with box containing computer. (*Note: Warn people of possible ass injury when riding in passenger seat of Jetta.)

• Slammed hand in car door while attempting to get it to close properly.

• Spent 10 minutes saying profanities and kicking car.

• Unloaded car at rental house. Watched Satan and Ron unload more furniture. Carried a metal bed frame into house to assist them.

• Loaded Jetta for the third time. "Supervised" Satan and Ron loading furniture from front porch.

• Removed cat from car.

• Actually helped move furniture into house. Drank a beer.

• Began unpacking and organizing while Satan and Ron went to Grandma C's for more furniture.

• Drank another beer. Or six?.

• Tripped over extension cord in bedroom and fell into dresser. Shower of picture frames. One casualty.

• Drank more beer.

• Don't remember much after this.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008:....

• Woke up in bedroom on a pile of clothing waiting to be hung up with severe headache. Air must be getting better, only one eye pasted shut. Slight panic arose until realization of exact location was established.

• Went to parents house to pack more and try to get through dirty laundry.

• Played around on myspace and facebook for two hours.

• Packed and did some laundry.

• Sat box of dishes on cat. More scratches and a bite mark made during rescue attempt.

• Loaded Jetta.

• Played around on myspace for another hour.

• Removed cat from car after an hour of being trapped inside.

• Unloaded Jetta at new house.

• Drank numerous beers and unpacked some stuff.

• Constructed bookcase out of 9 plastic milk crates and zip-ties. Books do not all fit on gigantic bookcase. Need more milk crates.

• Drove Satan to work. Went in and had a beer.

• Came home, drank more beer, unpacked more stuff.

• Made closet curtain out of fabric scraps, duct tape and safety pins after attempts to find a needle and thread proved futile.

• Kicked computer because of failure to upload pictures onto memory card for digital computer frame. Gave up and drank more beer.

• Satan and Ron went out.

• Put Evel and Shitbrick (my nephew) to bed.

• Made picture pin board out of giant mirror with missing frame, matting, fabric scraps, masking tape and safety pins.

• Wandered around bored for a while.

• Argued with drunken sister upon arrival home.

• Went to sleep on couch cushions over pile of clothes from previous night. Used stuffed chicken as pillow.

Thursday, December 4, 2008:....

• Woke up and opened both eyes successfully. No headache. Knew where I was.

• Unsuccessfully fought with computer some more.

• Showered and contemplated playing connect the dots with bruises on my legs.

• Graciously accepted potato chip delivery from Frito. Ate cookies and salt and vinegar chips for breakfast.

• Needed coffee, fled to parent's house.

• Did more laundry.

• Knocked myself unconscious when a large chunk of ice slid off shed roof and landed on my head after I opened the door. Went back into house for a bit to recover and stop the bleeding.

• Completely went through entire storage shed to find anything from numerous past moves. Prayed for no cave in of boxes and plastic lawn ornaments before beginning endeavor.

• Found speakers to convert into $300 end tables for bedroom.

• Found tote containing numerous sentimental items that were previously thought lost forever (yearbooks, Evel's baby photo album, numerous tacky vintage one of a kind items). Cried for 20 minutes.

• Rearranged entire shed for easy (and safe) access for anyone entering. (*Mental note: Good deed for year is done.).

• Loaded Jetta with clean clothes and goodies found in shed.

• Removed cat from car yet again.

• Showered again. Discovered new bruises.

• Unloaded car at new house.

• Passed out on couch for an hour. Dreamed of being attacked by spiders. Woke up abruptly. Still disoriented in waking when sleeping in any room but bedroom.

• Unpacked more boxes. Wrote reminder to grab hangers to hang clothing being used at temporary bed and grab pillow. Misplaced note.

• Went to parent's to get Evel's portable DVD player and a level, screws, screw gun, nails and a hammer to hang pictures.

• Returned with DVD player, level, screws and grilled cheese sandwich for Shitbrick. No hammer located within 10 mile radius.

• Hung giant Starry Night picture successfully. Still on wall.

• Tried to hang stolen POOL sign. Got bored. Put on top of hutch of dresser.

• Finally realized picture frames that had fallen were still on ground. Back in places. Cleaned up broken glass.

• Still cannot locate needle and thread. Called Hot Chocolate Daddy. He will drop some off for me.

• Fought with computer, yet again. No success.

• Satan and Hot Chocolate Daddy showed up with 3 wine glasses and a bottle of Cabernet. Realized how much I love them.

• Got wine drunk with Satan and Chocolate Daddy. Sore muscles are no longer bothering me.

• Satan and Ron went out to get 12 packs to play drinking games. Satan in exceptionally good mood.

• Satan and Ron did not return. Drank beer and read Encyclopedia of Ghosts and Spirits. Scared myself shitless.

• Nursing headache from wine drunk; Satan and Ron returned to play drinking games.

• Played Captain Dickhead. Pwnd the n00bs.

• Went to bed on couch cushions and pile of clothes again. Chicken is still my pillow.

Friday, December 5, 2008:....

• Woke up at 12:30. Oops.

• Went to parent's house to work on massive piles of remaining laundry.

• Drank almost an entire pot of coffee.

• Separated good shoes from old shoes to give to Ross so Kolby doesn't eat the couches.

• Called about renters insurance. Contemplated "accidentally" leaving the stove on to collect payment.

• Drove Satan to work.

• Went to parent's and did more laundry.

• Showered and counted bruises on legs. More have appeared.

• Listened to Trid play "Smoke on the Water" numerous times on the guitar while getting ready for work. Felt like I was in an episode of Two and a Half Men. Would rather be Chinese Water Tortured than hear it again.

•  Was asked by Poppi if the garbage from shed was cleaned up. Said no. Got "The Look." Promised to clean it up tomorrow.

• Went to work. Enjoyed social interaction with other adults.

• Had employee draft(s) and spent time with Cafe Family. (*Note: Tell Kathy to check for gas leak or have mental stability testing for all employees.).

• Came home and drank more beer. Dani V stopped in.

• Was taught how to play DRINGO (drunken bingo).

• Tried to make Ramen Noodles on ghetto stove. One hour before water boiled to cook noodles for three minutes. (*Note: Nothing perfect about Perfect Pasta pots)

• Was taught how to style a Mohawk using clear school glue and a hairdryer. Very informative in case it ever comes up.

• Read more of the Encyclopedia of Ghosts and Spirits. Waited to be attacked by a banshee.

• Slept in normal area. Chicken is still my pillow.

Saturday, December 6, 2008:....

• Woke up and got ready to go to parents to do more laundry.

• Backed car into mailbox post due to lack of coffee.

• Made it to parent's house with no more damage done to Jetta.

• Started laundry for the day.

• Stepped in dog poop. Yelled at dogs and cleaned it up.

• Contemplated cleaning up mess from shed; decided against it halfway to shed. Too cold. Could not feel my face.

• Showered and watched "I Am Legend" again. Slacked all day. Doing laundry.

• Instantly in bad mood after looking out window and realizing it was snowing.

• Got ready for work.

• Dropped clothing off at new house. Realized I forgot cel phone at parent's house. Used quarter tank of gas trying to get up their hill due to snow.

• Had to stop for gas. Roads are shitty.

• Drove 35 mph on highway with blinkers on. Surely pissed of numerous other drivers.

• Enjoyed more adult company at work. Took tables. Made enough money to get gas and cigarettes.

• Got text from Ron saying the children are starving. Made plans to stop and get pizza at Mr. Nicks.

• Stopped to get pizza, drank beer while waiting.

• Took pizza home, got ready to go out.

• Locked myself out of bedroom when bedroom door was closed while attic door was open. Cell phone locked inside.

• Gave up after attempts to use bent curtain rods, pasta spoons, fryer basket scoopers and screwdriver did not work.

• Left for West, Satan and Ron still trying to gain access to bedroom.

Sunday, December 7, 2008:....

• Gave up trying to get into my room and slept at Mom and Dad's

• WAS...NOT...GETTING...UP before I was forced to.

• Forgot Frito was bringing my bed and entertainment center. Pleasant surprise when I got home.

• Set up bed.

• Made lemonade.

• Didn't do shit else. I hate moving.

• Chicken is still my pillow.