Keep Your Noxious Gasses To Yourself

I recently had a baby. So in caring for the baby before it was born, I gave up every guilty pleasure that I had in life. No beer, no cigarettes, NO WINE (that one almost killed me). During this nine month cold turkey fast, I realized that I actually cannot stand the smell of cigarette smoke. There is nothing at all that I like about it. It makes my eyes burn, it makes my nose stuffy and it makes me stink.

Non-smokers bitch about cigarettes and the effects of secondhand smoke. I have become even worse. I am a FORMER SMOKER. I am now the holier-than-thou-if-I-did-it-you-can-do-it-you-just-have-to-try ex-smoker. I know every fact and figure about how much Big Daddy and I are saving daily/weekly/monthly/yearly by not smoking and I now have a mental time line about how long it will take for my lungs to return to their original pretty pink healthiness. I want to punch myself in the face.

If you want to smoke, I'm obviously not going to stop you. I am fully aware that if I go into a bar after 9 PM, there are probably going to be people smoking and I will have to deal with it (fortunately my lust for draft beers outweighs my concerns with breathing clean air). But seriously, have a little common courtesy. Today I had a woman that may have been as old as Jesus himself light a cigarette and exhale her first drag directly into my face and the face of my week old infant. You miserable fucking hag. I wanted to punch her in the throat.

So when you see me pushing a shopping cart with my child's car seat perched on top of it into a grocery store, keep your fumes the hell away from us or I will snuff your cigarette out in your eye. I don't throw my baby's stinky diapers in your face so I would appreciate you keeping your gigantic cloud of arsenic and carbon monoxide out of mine.

I also yield to pedestrians in the crosswalks of parking lots. I understand that you were in a hurry to get to bingo and it is hard to see with a 7" Lady Misty hanging out of your mouth and obstructing your view, but slow down. Smoker's Express is open until 9 so you'll have plenty of time to get there and get your carton of smokes and lucky scratcher tickets.

You may not care about your lungs, but at least try to care about my son's. Keep your gas to yourself.