I cannot wait until I am old so I can be an absolute nightmare behind the wheel of a car or in a grocery store and people will just blame it on my age. I will hit small children and dogs with my cane and no one will bat and eye because I am "set in my ways." Yeah, and people think that teenagers are a menace to society?
This latest round of "Old People Excuses" was the last straw after all of the other harassment that I've put up with this year:
1. The old man that yelled at me as I was leaving the doctor's office with Nutt because I parked in the handicapped parking space. I think you need to get your eyes checked old man because the spot I was parked in was not handicapped, it just so happened to be the closest spot to the front door. And I have to lug a car seat with a ten pound baby in it to and from the office. So you and your sense of entitlement can kiss my baby lugging butt. If I wouldn't have had my child with me, I would have told you exactly where I thought you could park your car.
2. The old lady that rammed the back of my heels with her cart at Giant, not once, not twice but THREE FRIGGIN' TIMES! And when I turned and asked her, with a visibly pissed off look on my face, what she was trying to attempt by trying to slice through my Achilles Tendon, she replied, "I need to get to the spaghetti sauce." Seriously? GO THE HELL AROUND ME! We are not on a highway where suffering a head-on collision would seriously injure your brittle bones! But rather than yell at the sweet old lady, I moved my cart out of the way and let her pass.
3. The old lady that held up the line forever at A-Plus to get cash in her mi-day daily number winnings so she could buy her evening tickets. 50 tickets worth! I stood there so long waiting on the cashier to scan all of these tickets and for this ancient woman to pick another buttload of numbers, that my coffee was actually cooled enough to drink when I got in my car. Seriously, go to Smoker's Express where they have a separate lottery line for people like you to squander their social security checks.
These were all just irritating to me but the incident that pushed me over the edge involved an old woman behind the wheel of a car, myself and my kids. DO NOT mess with my kids.
I was on my way to the store the other night to get formula for Nutt. I decided to take Evel and Tink with me and let them each pick out their own special snack for the week. We made it to the light to turn left across the strip and into Giant and this is wear it started to get hairy.
See, the light at Giant has two left turn lanes and two lights. You must wait for the lights to turn to green arrows that point left to turn across the strip. I was the first car in line in the right turning lane waiting to turn. So as we're waiting at the light, in my rear view mirror, I see cars lined up in both lanes but no car next to me in the left lane. Odd. So I turned and glanced and there in my blind spot is a silver Honda. Good to know.
About that time, we got the green arrows. I started to go and as I'm making the turn into the parking lot, out of nowhere this silver Honda comes veering from their lane (the left turn lane) and into mine (the right turn lane). They were cruising and I had to swerve to avoid having this person almost hit me (how I did not hit the curb is beyond me). I would have been pissed but let it go...but my kids were in the car. And this person didn't even stop to make sure they didn't hit me or to see if we were okay. Hell no.
At the next light, I blinked my lights at the person to get their attention. Nothing. At the stop sign, I blinked my lights and honked. Nothing. I was pissed by this time so instead of going into Giant, I followed this person into the Kohl's parking lot. They parked and I pulled into a spot in the next row. I told Evel to lock the doors and call Big Daddy if the cops showed up.
As I'm marching over to the offending party's car, I'm running all of the things through my head that I'm going to say. So low and behold my surprise when I get there and out climbs a little old lady, at least 80 years old and no taller than my armpits. Great. She looked like she might have just peed her depends and I started to feel bad...and then she opened her mouth:
Old Lady: What seems to be the problem?
Me: Are you aware that you almost hit my car when we turned into the parking lot? I have two kids in my car.
Old Lady: Maybe you should watch where you are going.
*Insert seeing red here*
Me: Excuse me? You left your lane and came into mine and almost hit the car that my children are riding in, you crazy old bat!
Old Lady: Well, if I really did what you say I did, then I'm sorry. I didn't see you.
Me: You didn't see my giant green car as you were veering toward it? Maybe you need new glasses if you can't see other cars on the road!
About this time, another lady walks up. She had been in the car behind me when Granny Nutbag went kamikaze at the light.
Other Lady: How about we just calm down. She just got confused.
Old Lady: Yeah, I was confused.
Me: You were f*cking confused? She was confused? Well maybe if she is so f*cking confused behind the wheel she should surrender her license before she actually gets into an accident! If my kids would have gotten hurt because you were "confused" (insert air quotes and sarcasm), I would have sued you for your entire pension!
Other Lady: There's no need for that language.
Old Lady: That's elderly abuse. You were the one that came into my lane!
I swear to god, I had to restrain myself from kicking her in the shins.
Me: Now you definitely need your eyes checked! You are f*cking crazy!
Other Lady: (to the Old Lady) No, you went into her lane.
Old Lady: Oh. (pause while thinking about what to do) I got confused!
I don't even remember what else I said to her...something about calling PennDot to have her license revoked and having her thrown into a nursing home. This was about the time I noticed a crowd gathering to watch the throw down and figured it was time to make my exit. I was so pissed when I got back in the car that I forgot to get her plate number. The kids just stared at me until I bribed them with promises of cookies and ice cream if they didn't tell Big Daddy.
I don't think it would have escalated like it did if she would have just apologized and asked if the kids were okay. And then when she accused me of being at fault when the other lady showed up. This is why I believe that anyone over 65 should have to take a yearly road test or lose their license for a year. The Amish can cart their asses around since they don't pay taxes.
So think what you want about me for yelling at an old lady. But fatality rates for drivers begin to climb after age 65, according to a recent study by Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh and the AAA Foundation for traffic safety, based on data from 1999-2004. From ages 75 to 84, the rate of about 3 deaths per 100 million miles driven is equal to the death rate of teenage drivers. For drivers 85 and older (which this lady surely was), the fatality rate skyrockets to nearly four times higher than that for teens. I don't care who is behind the wheel, if they put my children in danger, they will hear my thoughts on the subject.
Source for fatality facts: Older, Dangerous Drivers a Growing Problem (Robert Davis and Anthony DeBarros for USA Today)
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