Birthday/Weight Guesses for the Nutt. Get 'Em In Now!

Get your guesses in! No prizes, just bragging rights (my bookie is on vacation anyway). My official due date is August 14 and he was in the 34th percentile for his weight at the last sonogram in April. Post your guesses below:

Me:
7 lb 8 oz, August 2

Aunt Stephie:
7 lb 14 oz, August 14

Daddy:
7lb 2oz, August 2

Mern:
7lb 4oz, August 9

Aunt Rachie:
7lb 8oz, August 9

Beth S:
8lb 2oz, August 10

Looks like Aunt Rachie was the big winner! Nutt was born on 8/9/10 and weighed 7lb 8oz!
Her prize? She gets to babysit her favorite nephew anytime she wants to...FOR FREE!

Two Different Breeds of Bitch

After yet another round of he said/she said, I've (yet again) re-evaluated the people that I call friends. Yes, some people have got to go. So I will speak my peace in this blog and I am cutting the cord.

I'm a bitch. I'm fully aware of this fact and it doesn't bother me. But lately I've been introduced to a completely different breed of bitch that I've never dealt with before. I guess I mean that I've never given time enough to put up with before. They're catty, two-faced bitches (apparently both male and female) that will smile at you and tell you they're looking out for your best interest when in fact, they're watching for you to fuck up with their best-interest in mind. Like the little yippy dogs people carry in their purses. All bark.

I think that these people have mistaken my kindness for weakness. Well, please mind my indifference because you really don't mean a damn thing to me anymore. You and your over-inflated egos seemed to have misunderstood me. I don't hate you. I don't care enough about you to hate you. If ignorance is bliss, you people must be the happiest morons in the entire world. Don't try to rattle me and ruin me because you're unhappy with yourselves. I refuse to feel guilty and lose what I have because I don't live up to your precious standards. I don't mind not being liked, I actually prefer it when dealing with people like you. Unless you prove to me that you are worth my respect, I don't give a shit what you think of me. I respect people who produce and appreciate their own self-worth and who do not rely on their ability to tear others down to boost their own non-existent self-esteem. It took me a long time to find out that I liked myself and it's going to take a hell of a lot longer for you jackasses to convince me any differently. My life is good, and I won't compromise on what is important to me. If you threaten that, you become less than nothing to me. If I wanted fake, plastic friends I'd collect Barbie dolls. If you are pretending to be someone or something that you are not, please save us both the time and do not approach me. I understand that you want to ruin my life because you are unhappy with yours. This DOES NOT mean that I will let you or that I won't show you the equivalent to the wrath of God if you still feel the need to try. I'm not looking for a fight but if you make the decision to present me with one, I will more than happily beat you into the ground. I would really enjoy knocking all of you senseless but it seems that someone has already done it for me. If you don't like me for fighting my own battles, being my own person, knowing and fighting for what I want - then so be it. I'm not going to pretend to be nicer or someone that I am not to make myself more pleasing to you. If you can't handle straightforward honesty, then that's your problem and you can keep it. I'm about as tactful as a bull in a china shop when you've pushed me to this point. I'm done caring if your fragile egos can be crushed under the weight of mere words. I'm ready to speak my mind. If I thought I needed to remain silent about all of this, I'd sew my own damned lips closed. I am not going to repress any part of my being to accommodate you. Only dead fish swim with the stream so go to hell. Whine and cry me a river so you can drown yourselves in it. I'm not here to please everyone. If what I do offends you, either have it out with me or MIND YOUR OWN DAMNED BUSINESS! I'm not interested in liabilities. If you have nothing positive to bring to my life, you will not be in it. Welcome to my breed of bitch.

The Top 10 Answeres Are on the Board...

Name something I experienced while working at Burger King in Sunbury...

1. People that haven't showered in multiple days (maybe even weeks)

2. About a full set of teeth (total between all customers)

3. Dirty children under the age of 3 wearing only a Pamper and sucking on a King size Dr. Pepper like it was a teat

4. People that have no idea how to get their bodily waste into a toilet without making a mess

5. Fat people that eat there EVERY SINGLE DAY and wonder why they are fat

6. High school drop outs that play the aqua skill game for more than an hour so they can win a free Whopper to feed their pregnant girlfriend

7. Fat ladies that drive brand new Ford Explorers and have their hair and nails done that get pissed when they can't use their Access (welfare cash assistance) cards to pay for their giant orders

8. Old people that spend half the day sitting around socializing while actual customers have nowhere to sit

9. Not many bras

10. People that order a small drink or soda instead of the value size and bitch about it until I have to do a void to get them their 60 cents that they overpaid because of their own stupidity

I Live in the Cell Phone Twilight Zone

First thing is first. I am writing this blog from my ancient dinosaur cell phone like a text so any abbreviations are intended, even though i hate them. Caps lock is also non-existent unless said stupid phone deems it necessary. Spelling sux 2. Anyway, i have not been blowing any of u off as sum angry txts that i've received have mentioned. Since matt n i have moved into the new place (namely since we both had multimedia added 2 both phones) we haven't been getting txts or missed calls or any vm's. The only way for me 2 get them is for me 2 shut my phone off and turn it back on again. I just did it and got 28 texts and 6 new voicemails that have been randomly floating around in cyberspace for the last 2 days. I've talked 2 at&t (who suck, btw) and apparently there is no problem even though their test txt didnt come in until i shut the phone off. I think that matts ex wife has put a wiccan curse on us but he thinks there's a more logical reason (i found her witchcraft books when we moved. Never say never). So if i don't get back to u for a few days, don't panic. I still love you (well, most of you) and i will respond as soon as i get the msgs.

A Guide on Perry County Domestic Relations and How To Train a Poodle To Jump Through All of Their Hoops

I am (again) being taken back to court by Evel's biological father because he is petitioning (yet again) to have his child support dropped. He is requesting this because he has "mental issues" and "aching hands" and claims that he cannot work because of this, yet he is unable to produce a doctor's note/excuse stating that this is true and correct. So I have to get all of my info together and drive to the county courthouse where my case exists (an hour away) by 8:20 in the morning so they can run the numbers and (hopefully) tell him (again) that the support order stands because he is paying less than the minimum payment since I'm such a nice gal. He is also asking that support be dropped because my wishes (spoken to him 8 years ago) were that he not see Evel. I have never said this. I have never had a custody order drawn up. This is not true. He neglected to take the time to see his son for the past 8 years. The last time I talked to him, he called me to ask me to take him to the bar. I told him never to call me again unless it was concerning Evel. Wow, do I know how to pick 'em or what?

So this brings me to my next question: How is it possible that he can ask for a hearing to petition child support when he hasn't paid anything toward it since May of 2009? Why is he not in prison? And when I received it last time (in May 09), it was only received in March, April and part of May 09. Before that, it was countless months that my son received nothing. I was told by my caseworker in August 09 that they were "looking into" why the payments were not being made. I asked her what my options were and I was told that if they found him non-compliant, they would file an order so he would have to appear in court and if he was found in contempt of the child support order, he would go to jail and have to go to work release to make up for the missed payments. I got a letter stating that he had a court date, then another stating that he needed a statement from a doctor saying that he could not work and a paper stating that they had given him an extension on his court date, then finally a letter stating that the court date was cancelled. So after each or these letters, I called my caseworker and was told by her that this was the "proper procedure" that was being followed and that he needed a chance to prove that he could not work. The last letter was received in November. So this is why I was surprised when I discovered on the child support law website today that after 30 days of non-payment, I can file a contempt action (I was told by my caseworker that this was the court's decision) and that if I hire a lawyer, the court may order him to pay my legal fees and I can also request that a sheriff auction off any property that he owns to cover back support. More important information that Perry County Domestic Relations held from me when I asked what my options were as far as prosecuting. I know now that I will be requesting that they take him immediately to prison when the hearing is over.

And I also found out today that I was lied to 10 years ago when the original support order was drawn up. When I was asked by the officer that was doing the calculations for the support order approximately how much I thought that I needed to take care of a 9 month old baby, I mentioned child care expenses. He immediately stopped my and told me that child care expenses were not included in Evel's dad's child support payment. If I needed to have child care, I was to go through the Child Care Network for low cost care because I was not working. Number one, I was not working because I was going to college. PA state law says that child care is included in the amount of adjusted support if the custodial parent is working or needs child care to ATTEND COLLEGE to better support the child. Secondly, I could not get any assistance from the Child Care Network because I lived at home and with my parent's combined income, I was over the income amount to receive assistance. My parent's didn't pay my child care expenses so I was stuck in that situation for years. And I also feel that I was bullied into taking 50% of what the calculated payment came out to be. I had no idea what it cost to raise a child. It was my first child and I was 18 years old and I had this man (an officer of the court) telling me that there was no way that I would need $90.00 a week to raise my child. So I took $45.00 because I knew that Evel's dad had another kid on the way. See where being nice gets you? If only I knew then what I know now.

I do not understand how this system works. I see plenty of examples how it is broken, though. Evel's father can petition and get extensions to get around paying support but I am told that there is nothing that I can do to have the order enforced when clearly there has been an option the entire time and clearly he has been non-compliant.

And when I asked how to have my child support case moved to Snyder County because that is where my son currently resides, I was told that it wasn't possible because it was "an inconvenience" to my son's father and they like to keep it in the father's home county because of enforcement issues (i.e. in case they have to take him to jail. I see how well that is working). So low and behold, while I was on the PA child support law website today (and with some good advice from Colleen...THANK YOU!!), I find that all I have to do is open a new case in Snyder County after this court date. That is it. Since all of the systems are linked, they can check to see how much the order is now and they can adjust it accordingly. Another PCDR myth debunked!

So as I am discovering all of this new information today, I figured I would call the phone number that is listed on the order to appear in court that is provided to find low cost law representation. So I call the number (PA Lawyer Referral Service, 800-692-7375) and I am told that they have no lawyers that cover Perry County cases for child support or family law. They refer me to MidPenn Legal Services (717-232-7536). The woman on the phone told me that they could refer me to a lawyer, but it would be full cost. She referred me to the Legal Aid Office (717-232-0581) and told me that they would look at my income and try to a participating lawyer. So I call them up. No lawyers for cases in Perry County. So they refer me to another number. 1-800-692-7375. The PA Lawyer Referral Service. The first number that I called. Yeah, I thought the same thing (probably worse). So I called MidPenn back. The woman that I spoke to was very understanding but basically told me that there was nothing she could do but give me a referral to a lawyer. So thanks again, PCDR FOR POINTING ME IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION!

So my advice to any woman out there that lives in Perry County, Pennsylvania and is expecting a child: Cross the boarder into Dauphin, or Franklin, or Juniata or ANYWHERE else and lay that egg. Perry County Domestic Relations is just another example of what makes Pennsylvania's government the laughing stock of the United States.

Why Did Stephie Borrow the Carpet Shampooer?

I had to share this text conversation with everyone. I have not laughed this hard all week. It's priceless. I thank the Lord for giving my sister and myself our quick wit and warped sense or humor.

Text #1 from Satan to Me:
Will you ask mom for a roll of toilet paper to bring over?

Text #2 from Me to Satan:
She said drag your butt across the carpet like the dogs do.

Text #3 from Satan to Me:
Well then ask her if I can borrow the carpet shampooer

Mama and I laughed for five minutes straight. I had to share that little gem with all of you. Hope it made you day like the way it made mine.

A Birdie Left Me a Present Today...

The other day I drove to the fire house to vote. Yay me for doing my civic duty as an American but for once I'm not bitching about the government. Back to my misfortune... 

So I get back to my house and seeing how it's a glorious day with no chance of rain in sight, I decided to leave my window halfway down to air out the horrid smoke stench that has worked it's way into the upholstery of my car over years that I used to smoke. I came in and did some stuff around the house and since I wasn't planning on going out, I forgot to put my windows up. No problem. I go out to my car to take care of it and to my surprise, a birdie left me a little present.

Actually, I should say that this was no little present. This was a gigantic splattered wad of purple and white bird shit that shot out of a birds ass like a screaming, heat-seeking missile and connected with my car. The best (or worst) part was that when it hit, half of it made it inside of my car through the open window. So I not only have a huge smear running down the outside of my car, I have bird turd running down the inside of my window and door and all over my seat. This explosion even managed to hit my center console and heat controls. And it's fucking purple. My car is disgusting enough and this just added to the problem. I am just wondering how the window managed to hold up against the high caliber assault that it took.

Judging from the amount, I do believe there was an ostrich or resurrected pterodactyl sitting in the tree above my parking space when the offense was committed. If it wasn't for the fact that I fear that I would be carried away but the monstrous phoenix that is responsible for this disgusting display of feces, I swear to god I would be loading my paintball gun and picking off any happily chirping bird that was unfortunate enough to get within 20 feet of my car. 

If I ever come across the nest of the creature that did this, I fully intend on a long night of Corona's and Mexican food before I return the favor. I swear if I find it, I'm going to turn it's little baby eggs into omelets for Mr. Ears to prevent anyone else from suffering the same fate. Revenge will be mine.