I Live in the Cell Phone Twilight Zone

First thing is first. I am writing this blog from my ancient dinosaur cell phone like a text so any abbreviations are intended, even though i hate them. Caps lock is also non-existent unless said stupid phone deems it necessary. Spelling sux 2. Anyway, i have not been blowing any of u off as sum angry txts that i've received have mentioned. Since matt n i have moved into the new place (namely since we both had multimedia added 2 both phones) we haven't been getting txts or missed calls or any vm's. The only way for me 2 get them is for me 2 shut my phone off and turn it back on again. I just did it and got 28 texts and 6 new voicemails that have been randomly floating around in cyberspace for the last 2 days. I've talked 2 at&t (who suck, btw) and apparently there is no problem even though their test txt didnt come in until i shut the phone off. I think that matts ex wife has put a wiccan curse on us but he thinks there's a more logical reason (i found her witchcraft books when we moved. Never say never). So if i don't get back to u for a few days, don't panic. I still love you (well, most of you) and i will respond as soon as i get the msgs.

A Guide on Perry County Domestic Relations and How To Train a Poodle To Jump Through All of Their Hoops

I am (again) being taken back to court by Evel's biological father because he is petitioning (yet again) to have his child support dropped. He is requesting this because he has "mental issues" and "aching hands" and claims that he cannot work because of this, yet he is unable to produce a doctor's note/excuse stating that this is true and correct. So I have to get all of my info together and drive to the county courthouse where my case exists (an hour away) by 8:20 in the morning so they can run the numbers and (hopefully) tell him (again) that the support order stands because he is paying less than the minimum payment since I'm such a nice gal. He is also asking that support be dropped because my wishes (spoken to him 8 years ago) were that he not see Evel. I have never said this. I have never had a custody order drawn up. This is not true. He neglected to take the time to see his son for the past 8 years. The last time I talked to him, he called me to ask me to take him to the bar. I told him never to call me again unless it was concerning Evel. Wow, do I know how to pick 'em or what?

So this brings me to my next question: How is it possible that he can ask for a hearing to petition child support when he hasn't paid anything toward it since May of 2009? Why is he not in prison? And when I received it last time (in May 09), it was only received in March, April and part of May 09. Before that, it was countless months that my son received nothing. I was told by my caseworker in August 09 that they were "looking into" why the payments were not being made. I asked her what my options were and I was told that if they found him non-compliant, they would file an order so he would have to appear in court and if he was found in contempt of the child support order, he would go to jail and have to go to work release to make up for the missed payments. I got a letter stating that he had a court date, then another stating that he needed a statement from a doctor saying that he could not work and a paper stating that they had given him an extension on his court date, then finally a letter stating that the court date was cancelled. So after each or these letters, I called my caseworker and was told by her that this was the "proper procedure" that was being followed and that he needed a chance to prove that he could not work. The last letter was received in November. So this is why I was surprised when I discovered on the child support law website today that after 30 days of non-payment, I can file a contempt action (I was told by my caseworker that this was the court's decision) and that if I hire a lawyer, the court may order him to pay my legal fees and I can also request that a sheriff auction off any property that he owns to cover back support. More important information that Perry County Domestic Relations held from me when I asked what my options were as far as prosecuting. I know now that I will be requesting that they take him immediately to prison when the hearing is over.

And I also found out today that I was lied to 10 years ago when the original support order was drawn up. When I was asked by the officer that was doing the calculations for the support order approximately how much I thought that I needed to take care of a 9 month old baby, I mentioned child care expenses. He immediately stopped my and told me that child care expenses were not included in Evel's dad's child support payment. If I needed to have child care, I was to go through the Child Care Network for low cost care because I was not working. Number one, I was not working because I was going to college. PA state law says that child care is included in the amount of adjusted support if the custodial parent is working or needs child care to ATTEND COLLEGE to better support the child. Secondly, I could not get any assistance from the Child Care Network because I lived at home and with my parent's combined income, I was over the income amount to receive assistance. My parent's didn't pay my child care expenses so I was stuck in that situation for years. And I also feel that I was bullied into taking 50% of what the calculated payment came out to be. I had no idea what it cost to raise a child. It was my first child and I was 18 years old and I had this man (an officer of the court) telling me that there was no way that I would need $90.00 a week to raise my child. So I took $45.00 because I knew that Evel's dad had another kid on the way. See where being nice gets you? If only I knew then what I know now.

I do not understand how this system works. I see plenty of examples how it is broken, though. Evel's father can petition and get extensions to get around paying support but I am told that there is nothing that I can do to have the order enforced when clearly there has been an option the entire time and clearly he has been non-compliant.

And when I asked how to have my child support case moved to Snyder County because that is where my son currently resides, I was told that it wasn't possible because it was "an inconvenience" to my son's father and they like to keep it in the father's home county because of enforcement issues (i.e. in case they have to take him to jail. I see how well that is working). So low and behold, while I was on the PA child support law website today (and with some good advice from Colleen...THANK YOU!!), I find that all I have to do is open a new case in Snyder County after this court date. That is it. Since all of the systems are linked, they can check to see how much the order is now and they can adjust it accordingly. Another PCDR myth debunked!

So as I am discovering all of this new information today, I figured I would call the phone number that is listed on the order to appear in court that is provided to find low cost law representation. So I call the number (PA Lawyer Referral Service, 800-692-7375) and I am told that they have no lawyers that cover Perry County cases for child support or family law. They refer me to MidPenn Legal Services (717-232-7536). The woman on the phone told me that they could refer me to a lawyer, but it would be full cost. She referred me to the Legal Aid Office (717-232-0581) and told me that they would look at my income and try to a participating lawyer. So I call them up. No lawyers for cases in Perry County. So they refer me to another number. 1-800-692-7375. The PA Lawyer Referral Service. The first number that I called. Yeah, I thought the same thing (probably worse). So I called MidPenn back. The woman that I spoke to was very understanding but basically told me that there was nothing she could do but give me a referral to a lawyer. So thanks again, PCDR FOR POINTING ME IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION!

So my advice to any woman out there that lives in Perry County, Pennsylvania and is expecting a child: Cross the boarder into Dauphin, or Franklin, or Juniata or ANYWHERE else and lay that egg. Perry County Domestic Relations is just another example of what makes Pennsylvania's government the laughing stock of the United States.

Why Did Stephie Borrow the Carpet Shampooer?

I had to share this text conversation with everyone. I have not laughed this hard all week. It's priceless. I thank the Lord for giving my sister and myself our quick wit and warped sense or humor.

Text #1 from Satan to Me:
Will you ask mom for a roll of toilet paper to bring over?

Text #2 from Me to Satan:
She said drag your butt across the carpet like the dogs do.

Text #3 from Satan to Me:
Well then ask her if I can borrow the carpet shampooer

Mama and I laughed for five minutes straight. I had to share that little gem with all of you. Hope it made you day like the way it made mine.

A Birdie Left Me a Present Today...

The other day I drove to the fire house to vote. Yay me for doing my civic duty as an American but for once I'm not bitching about the government. Back to my misfortune... 

So I get back to my house and seeing how it's a glorious day with no chance of rain in sight, I decided to leave my window halfway down to air out the horrid smoke stench that has worked it's way into the upholstery of my car over years that I used to smoke. I came in and did some stuff around the house and since I wasn't planning on going out, I forgot to put my windows up. No problem. I go out to my car to take care of it and to my surprise, a birdie left me a little present.

Actually, I should say that this was no little present. This was a gigantic splattered wad of purple and white bird shit that shot out of a birds ass like a screaming, heat-seeking missile and connected with my car. The best (or worst) part was that when it hit, half of it made it inside of my car through the open window. So I not only have a huge smear running down the outside of my car, I have bird turd running down the inside of my window and door and all over my seat. This explosion even managed to hit my center console and heat controls. And it's fucking purple. My car is disgusting enough and this just added to the problem. I am just wondering how the window managed to hold up against the high caliber assault that it took.

Judging from the amount, I do believe there was an ostrich or resurrected pterodactyl sitting in the tree above my parking space when the offense was committed. If it wasn't for the fact that I fear that I would be carried away but the monstrous phoenix that is responsible for this disgusting display of feces, I swear to god I would be loading my paintball gun and picking off any happily chirping bird that was unfortunate enough to get within 20 feet of my car. 

If I ever come across the nest of the creature that did this, I fully intend on a long night of Corona's and Mexican food before I return the favor. I swear if I find it, I'm going to turn it's little baby eggs into omelets for Mr. Ears to prevent anyone else from suffering the same fate. Revenge will be mine.

The Most Dangerous Object in the World

In learning from my mistakes, I just wanted to inform everyone that the most dangerous object in the world is a wooden Popsicle stick. Oh, they may seem innocent but the hidden dangers are great.

While enjoying my delicious orange creamsicle last evening, I was finishing up and wouldn't you know I got a freaking splinter IN MY TONGUE. Who does this happen to? Me. So now not only do I have an irrational fear of moths and butterflies, I'm never going to be able to fully enjoy one of summer's greatest treats without remembering the time I went through excruciating pain because of the wretched little stick in the middle.

The left side of my tongue is swollen and I'm not sure if it's from the splinter itself or if it's from trying to dig the stupid thing out with a pair of tweezers. It took me forever and I believe I got it all so let us all pray that my tongue doesn't fall out. I've been gargling Listerine so I'm sure everything will work out in my favor.

But don't say I didn't warn you.

What's the Point in Shooting a Skunk?

I hate people. If I wouldn't worry that I would slowly waste away to nothing and have skin resembling the color of grayish clay, I would probably belong to PETA.

We had a little skunk outside of the Mama's house last night. Why you ask was the skunk outside of our house? Because rather than taking our garbage to the dumpster, someone sat it outside of our back door. So smelling the goodies inside, this poor little skunk came wandering over to get something to eat.

So as it's munching on it's delicious rotted Oscar Mayer Turkey Breast, Trid opens the back door to throw some milk outside (who in the hell knows with her) and sees the skunk. THE CATASTROPHE BEGINS!!! My god you would have thought that someone pushed the button and was about to drop an A-Bomb on the house.

The thing that pissed me off was rather than shooing the skunk away with a broom and taking the garbage to the dumpster, the Mama calls the neighbor to come and shoot it. So being the great redneck hope that he is, he comes up with his .22 prepared to do battle. THERE WAS A FIRE FIGHT!! And rather than (yet again) shooing it away from the house with the broom, he murders the poor little thing right outside. What do you think happens when a skunk dies? It's loses it's stink ALL OVER THE PLACE.

So then since something interesting is happening and the Mama has the back door open, Evel and Shitbrick (my son and nephew, respectively) go outside to investigate and wound up running through the funk. Plus the smell came right into the house through the window that was directly above the massacre that still had the air conditioner in it. Her house smelled horrid.

Then from the boys running through it, they tracked it in the house so it took forever to get rid of the smell. Great thinking guys. It all could have been avoided if you would have just shooed the little guy away and back into the woods where it belongs. And the best thing is that the garbage is still laying where it was, right beside the back steps. Can't wait to see what shows up next.

My Little Scabies of Life

I'm just really irritated today. I have no patience whatsoever for whatever reason. Maybe my planets aren't aligned right or something but I need to vent about the things in my life that drive me up a wall:

• The stupid expression I used above: What in the hell does that mean anyway? How in the hell do you drive something up a wall?

• When our dumb dogs leave little presents on my bedroom floor: It's like a little green light comes on every time I leave my door open that says "Bathroom's Open" to the damned dogs. One of these mornings I am going to get out of bed and step on a doggy landmine and I'm going to explode. It's not really any other room in the house but of course it's mine.

• Dirty Fish Tanks: Seriously, those poor fish are already cooped up with us goofy looking people staring at them all day so why not take a little bit of time and keep their cell clean? At least drop a couple of bucks and buy an algae eater.

• People that backwash in drinks: If I really wanted your spit in my mouth I would kiss you. I don't want to see what you ate for lunch floating in my Cherry Coke.

• Slow drivers that won't get the hell out of the left lane: I've learned recently that on an eight lane highway there are ways to get around this but on these dinky ass little Harrisburg highways, you're stuck. Why in the hell do you feel the need to ride the left lane just because you're doing five miles an hour over the speed limit? You try to pass the person beside you and it takes you 20 miles to do it? Something is wrong here. Thank god I've never had a severed finger that needed reattached within an hour or it would be gone forever because your dumb ass just blew any chance I had of getting to the hospital on time.

• People that don't go when the light turns green: Seriously, you haven't been sitting there that long but yet something has caught your attention and we've now missed the green arrow because it was more important to pick a wad of lint out of your belly button than drive. I wish I could ram your car.

• When someone gets a drink and leaves a sip in the container and puts it back in the fridge: Okay there are 2 ways to avoid this tragic situation. First method is to estimate the amount in the container and pour roughly half into your cup so someone else can get a little more than a swallow. If there is less than half of a cup left in the container, see method two. Method two is to fill your glass and if there's less than half a cup in the above-mentioned container, drink a little bit out of your cup and refill. You will be more hydrated and I won't be pissed off.

• My annoying eating habits: Yes I annoy myself, too. These eating habits include, but are not limited to: picking the crunchy, white lettuce out of my salad, not eating tomatoes because they squish, not eating onions because they smell like armpits, having to cut my meat before I eat it, etc. Please note: all habits may not apply depending on the amount of alcohol consumed.

• When people try to make my name fancy: My name is Jennifer (or Jenni-fah depending on who you are). The short version is Jenn. My name is not Genevieve or Guenevere. I have no idea why people insist on using these names in place of Jennifer. Maybe they think it's cute. I'm telling you it's not.

• Jelly in the peanut butter (or vise versa): These two items are sold in separate jars for a reason; therefore they should stay that way. If I wanted them in the same jar I would buy Goober.

• People that slow down before driving through a green light: Green means go, not hit your brakes and prepare to stop. If someone hits me in an intersection when I have a green light, it's their fault. When you slow down to 20 in a 45, be prepared to be ass ended. It would be safer to just follow normal traffic laws and FUCKING DRIVE.

• Neat Freaks: I just don't get you people. I like to tidy up but I'm never going to obsess over cleanliness. I have better things to do in life than stress out about guests seeing a spot on my carpet when they come over for a dinner party. I'm going to be feeding them enough wine that I'm sure they'll never notice it. Who knows? Maybe someone will get drunk enough to make a new stain on the carpet. At least when I look at that spot I will know that we had an good time when it was made.

• Sandwich overhang: I suppose this should be with the weird eating habits but it annoys me even when I see it on someone else's plate. I have to eat all of the stuff hanging out of the side of my bread/bun before I can take my first bite. It drives me absolutely nuts because I know if I don't get it off of there, it's going to fall on me and I'll make a mess of myself (which happens constantly).

• Neighbor's cars that don't work that are sitting in our yard: You know who you are…

• People that talk on hands free devices while not driving: Seriously, it's kind of creepy. I hear you talking but I don't see anyone there for you to possibly be talking to. That's why you're getting weird looks and people are avoiding you on the street. Back in the day they used to commit people for that kind of monkey business.

• The roads of Pennsylvania: Can someone tell me why there are always horrid traffic jams because PennDot is ALWAYS doing construction somewhere (apparently now even on Sundays during church traffic) and the roads still suck? You leave the state and immediately you can tell because they potholes are no longer big enough to be confused with sink holes. Why don't we use the tax dollars that aren't used for our state government bonuses to hire some more people that know what the hell they're doing so we can get this shit done right?

• Liars: If there is something that you feel will make me not want to be associated with you, please feel free to let me know. If your self-worth is that low that you have to lie to people to feel accepted, why not tell the truth and let us pull you up to our level instead of dragging us down to yours. I'm blatantly honest to a fault but if someone can't handle that then I don't need them in my life. If they can't accept me for who I am, I don't care. At least they know the real me, not a sugarcoated, falsified version of the truth.

• Out of State Drivers on Pennsylvania Roads: Every idiot from the south drives north and every idiot from the north drives south during the holidays and the summer. What's are some of the main routes? 81 and 322. They need their own lanes on the highway and if they're caught in a local lane, any damage incurred from one of us ramming their car cannot be held liable against the PA drivers. Yes, we drive like assholes. Stay the hell out of our way.

• When my sweatshirt strings aren't even: There's no reason for this, I know. It just gets to me.

• The crunchy stuff on the twist top of mustard squeeze bottles: Just wipe it on the bread after you close it! I don't want crunchy, dried-up mustard in my sandwich. Mom - I know it's you!

• People that don't return shopping carts: Seriously, it takes 30 seconds! This is why America has such a problem with obesity. People are too lazy to even walk their carts back to a return!