Nana Singer died. Saturday, December 10, 2011 is the day that she left the living world to make her grand entrance into eternity. I'm sure wherever she is, she is keeping the keeper on their toes. I haven't been able to write or to talk about anything because I am trying to hold it together for my Mama and for my children when all this time I feel like I'm just floating through my days. I know I was at Walmart today but if you ask me what I bought, I really couldn't tell you. Hell, I probably won't remember writing this blog. Everything is a blur of sad and empty that I can't shake no matter how hard I try. I thank my lucky stars for the amazing husband that I have found that has been here for me as I sobbed and snotted and fell to pieces right in front of him. I don't know how much of me would have made it through this without him here to hold me up. Thank you babe, I love you more than I can ever put into words.
But as I've come to see as I've been somewhat involved in Nana's final arrangements, I am not the only person in my family that uses humor to deal with uncomfortable situations. Throughout all of the funerals that I have helped plan, I've never seen people laugh so much. Maybe it is because we have Aunt Sis for some kind of comic relief ("Well, Nanny wanted to be buried with the cat, looks like we'll have to kill him now, too. Guess we're gonna need a bigger box for the both of them." -- if you don't know her, you'll never understand) or the fact that we all know that Nana wasn't really Nana at the end and we're all feeling some sort of morbid relief. I don't know but I have never been more thankful than I have been in the past few days to have these people in my life.
Nana took care of a lot of things that she needed to do before she passed away, including leaving a booklet on dealing with grief in with all of her important "afterlife" paperwork so my mom and uncle would have something to know that she was thinking about them. That's who she was. She worried so much about everyone else and how they would deal with things before she worried about herself. The day that we met to discuss final arrangements, my cousin came out of her bedroom holding a copy of my senior yearbook that I had given to my Nana the year of my graduation. She said that she had read it to her a few days before Nana passed away and Nana cried and said how much she missed me since she hadn't seen me in years. She had seen me on Thanksgiving while she was in the hospital but didn't remember it. But she did have enough sense to write in the back of the book that if anything were to happen to her, that it would go to me or my Aunt Sis. I didn't even remember giving her the yearbook and even in her last few days, she was thinking of me.
My God, I miss her so much.
I didn't get to see her before they took her from home but I don't know if I really would have wanted to see her like that. Once her spirit left her body, she was no longer the Nana that I knew. Her spirit is what made her what she was. She was opinionated and mouthy and outspoken and she never feared taking a risk. This is the woman that taught me how to chop off snakes heads with a garden hoe when I was all but 10 years old. She was also the one that used to yell at me for putting my elbows on the table. She always said that there were things that I needed to know to get by on my own but I also needed to know how to ask for help if I couldn't do something by myself.
But the most important tidbit of knowledge that she gave me was that she always told me to "walk tall" and "don't slouch." She would explain that this showed people that I was confident, even if I didn't feel confident that day. People would believe in me because this made me look confident, even if I wasn't and when people believed in me, I would believe in myself. I have always held this closer to my heart than anything that anyone else has ever said to me. She was the biggest influence on the person that I am today and for that I am eternally grateful. I feel more sorry for the people that didn't get to meet her and have no idea what an amazing woman she really was. I have always been a neigh sayer to the expression that it is "better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" but I now see why that isn't true. I will gladly take the 30 years of love that Nana selflessly gave me over never knowing someone so extraordinary. I am thankful that Evel at least go to know her for 12 years, most of which while she was at her best. I am also sad that Nutt will never get to know her like Evel did but I will make damn sure that I will carry on the legacy of love that she left. There is a reason that everyone speaks so highly of her. She is irreplaceable. She is on a pedestal that can never be shaken. She was, is and always will be my definition of LOVE. <3
I miss you, I love you and I will always be your little Jenny. Goodbye Nana.
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