My Big Redneck Wedding

Sorry I haven't been around much to keep you all entertained. I've been planning a wedding. My wedding. Eek!

How did this happen, you ask. I'm not quite sure either. Big Daddy and I were talking about getting married one night and he told me to find out what we needed to do. The next day I called about the proper procedure and the next thing I knew, we had an appointment set with a judge, who would legally declare that we were entitled to half of each others belongings if we ever decided to go out separate ways. Whoa. What a head rush!

But we've been toying with the idea since before I found out that I was (again) knocked up out of wedlock. But we put it off because we both wanted be able to celebrate (i.e. get drunk) at the reception. So then we figured we would just wait until I was done with school and had a full time job that actually paid a little bit of something so we could afford everything that we "wanted." Well, it turns out that I'm probably looking at around 5 years of college before I'm finished. So our son would be in kindergarten before we got married.

After some debate and that one phone call to the Prothonotary's office, we decided it's now or never (well, now or 5 years). So in mid-May, we will walk into a courtroom, say a few lines to each other and a man that is wearing an outfit similar to a dress will pronounce us Mr. and Mrs. Big Daddy. And I'm completely fine with that. Neither of us practice a particular religion and at this point, I think my parents are too busy sighing their sighs of relief that I will never be returning to their nests to worry about me getting married in a church. They've chosen their battle wisely.

Which brings us to the most important step...THE RECEPTION. Ever since I was old enough to drink (well, okay so maybe I wasn't QUITE old enough), I have dreamt of my reception. I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted a big, huge bash in my parent's backyard. Some of the details have changed over the years (open or cash bar, what kind of champagne to use for the toast and the most important...what kind of beer will I have in the kegs?) but I have always known that this would be the location. It's always been one of my homes and I couldn't imagine having as much fun anywhere else on this special day (plus, there are no cops. The closest State Police barracks is about 20 minutes away. Party on!).

Big Daddy and I have decided to host a casual backyard BBQ and pig roast (cuz what goes better with getting married than a slaughtered pig?). With just the first wave of invitations, we've invited close to 200 people. There had better be one gigantic hog at this roast. And we haven't even gotten to the rest of our invites. I think it may exceed previous party guest tallies by a long shot. Thank God it's outside.

Which brings me to my next conundrum. This shindig is outside. What if it rains? Normally I would say we'll just get a giant slip and slide and some whipped cream and recreate Woodstock (the one from the 60's, not the monstrosity from the 90's). But this is a classy affair. So I think we're going to have to rent a tent, just in case. It's an expense that we would rather avoid, but we want people to come to our wedding and enjoy themselves. The threat of rain will probably put a damper on this. So it looks like we're stuck paying at least $105 to rent a tent that probably won't be big enough for everyone so then we'll be forced to rent another one. And then it's an extra $100 if we want them to set it up and take it down. That's the biggest chunk of our wedding budget. And I hope that our guests remember their lawn chairs because it's going to be standing (or sitting) room only. If not, I hope they don't mind pulling up a big ol' piece of lawn to sit on because there is no way we can afford to rent chairs. But what else is a girl to do?

I guess I could consider this one...Poppi and the Great Redneck Hope (aka my parent's neighbor) have offered to "rig" something using the neighbor's gigantic camo-colored tarp, some rope and a few metal poles that are cemented in tires. Although I did appreciate the gesture, I had to politely decline.

I just kept picturing my wedding video: A backyard pig roast with the neighbor's broken down cars and washing machines in the backdrop, a giant camo tarp casting an ominous shadow over the entire event. Suddenly it starts raining and everyone heads for cover under said tarp. After about 5 minutes in the monsoon that has settled over my parent's house, you hear a creaking and groaning. The tarp struggles to hold the gallons and gallons of rain but it eventually succumbs to the weight, the metal poles snapping like twigs and sending the tires at the bases hurtling through the wedding cake. And then everything goes black. All you hear is the bride (me) shrieking that I can't find the children and Big Daddy wailing that the taps on the kegs have been snapped at the necks and they're spewing beer faster than he can drink it.

It would be plastered all over the evening news and then it would go viral. Daniel Tosh would see how many jokes he could make about it in 20 seconds. And then it would reach it's "peak" of popularity by being featured not only on Wedding Nightmares, but also on My Big Redneck Wedding.

Maybe $310 doesn't sound like all that much now that I think about it...