Everyone that knows me knows about my situation. Since January '09 I've been dating the most amazing guy ever and he has a 5 (soon to be 6) year old daughter (Miss Tinkerbell, for blogging purposes). The price to pay for this is that he also has an ex-wife that came from somewhere in the fieriest depths of hell that Satan himself is afraid to go there as the mother to said daughter. So in my attempt to keep my tongue from bleeding from biting it so hard since she came into my life, I'm going to let it out.
Basically, the ex-wife (BFBF, or Big Fat Bitch Face for blogging purposes) is a 29 year old woman with the mentality of a 10 year old. There is no communication on her part to discuss ANYTHING, even if it involves her daughter. It all has to go through her lawyer. So I'm assuming that if Tink gets hurt at our house, we need to have the lawyer's phone number on speed dial so he can contact BFBF to let her know what happened? It's extremely frustrating and there is no good that can come from it for Tink. All it's going to do is cause problems in the future.
Basically, the ex-wife (BFBF, or Big Fat Bitch Face for blogging purposes) is a 29 year old woman with the mentality of a 10 year old. There is no communication on her part to discuss ANYTHING, even if it involves her daughter. It all has to go through her lawyer. So I'm assuming that if Tink gets hurt at our house, we need to have the lawyer's phone number on speed dial so he can contact BFBF to let her know what happened? It's extremely frustrating and there is no good that can come from it for Tink. All it's going to do is cause problems in the future.
We get Tink every other weekend and on Wednesday nights. What happens if Big Daddy and I want to go to school functions or anything that goes on when she gets older? There's no guarantee that we'll know about it and we'll look like the slacker set of parents because we're missing out on important milestones in Tink's life. Maybe it's not that bad and it's just because I'm an Aquarius and the main facet of my life is communication. If Evel's dad was still in his life, no matter how much I hated him, I would still communicate for the benefit of my child. What happens if Tink gets in trouble for stealing or something serious at our house? Do we just ground her for the 3 days a week that we have her? It makes the situation more complicated than it should be.
And the newest trend in BFBF's idiotic arsenal is using Tink as her personal messenger to us. For example, we were told by Tink that BFBF said that I'm not allowed to brush her hair anymore because I don't get all of the knots out of it. Honestly, if you've ever seen me get ready you would know that the predominant thing that I spend time on is my hair. I'm fussy about it and I'm not going to let a little girl that I'm partially responsible for walk out of my home looking a mess. I get the fucking knots out. I'm sure that Tink doesn't do ANYTHING (insert sarcasm font) all day that causes her to get more knots in her curly hair.
And the newest trend in BFBF's idiotic arsenal is using Tink as her personal messenger to us. For example, we were told by Tink that BFBF said that I'm not allowed to brush her hair anymore because I don't get all of the knots out of it. Honestly, if you've ever seen me get ready you would know that the predominant thing that I spend time on is my hair. I'm fussy about it and I'm not going to let a little girl that I'm partially responsible for walk out of my home looking a mess. I get the fucking knots out. I'm sure that Tink doesn't do ANYTHING (insert sarcasm font) all day that causes her to get more knots in her curly hair.
And we were told by Tink that BFBF said that she needs to tell Daddy that she shouldn't play outside by herself. First off bitch, I have an older son that plays outside with her. She's never alone. And the only time that the kids (see the PLURAL form?) are outside by themselves is when Big Daddy and I are in the kitchen cooking dinner and we can see them DIRECTLY OUT THE WINDOW. If anything happens, it would take us 3 seconds to get out the door and to give medical attention or make sure everything is okay.
But my point in this is how counter productive can this be? It's not helping anyone. After we received some of the messages to us via Tink, Big Daddy told her to tell her mom that she is not the messenger (which is making her the messenger, I know, but bear with me). The next time she was at our house, she was up in her bedroom crying because BFBF said that she was the messenger. We have never used her to pass another message. BFBF has. How much damage are you willing to do to your child?
The divorce wasn't Tink's fault and even though neither parent loves the other anymore, it's not her fault that the relationship is still declining further. And everything that is passed on from Big Fat Bitch Face directly deals with Tink. What happens when it's a more serious matter? Like if Tink gets grounded at BFBF's house. Is BFBF going to pass that message along with her or slip a note in her bookbag? I know if I was Tink that I'd be tearing that note into a million pieces or "accidentally" forgetting to pass that message. I don't see how in any way, shape or form that it's going to benefit Tink to be put in the middle of the conflict between Big Daddy and BFBF. It's making Tink a witness to the fact that her parents cannot get along. And who knows what she's being told about us?
Big Daddy has made numerous attempts at communication, all of which has been ignored or directed to BFBF's lawyer. Or the reply is passed on in a message given to us by Tink herself. This is directly exposing Tink to any animosity that her parents have to each other. Even is you can't stand to look at each other, suck it up and be adults for the sake of your kids emotional and developmental benefits. And when I get these messages, I have to turn and walk away so Tink doesn't see the fact that I want to flip our and tell her what a coward her mother is. I don't want her to think that for one second because she sees a negative reaction from me that I am upset with her because of what her mother did. It's wrong on so many different levels and this poor little girl is stuck right in the middle of it.
So now it's got me wondering if Tink's being used as a spy? What goes on at Daddy's? What does Jenn do for a living? Just random, nosey questions that she really has no business asking. We're a normal family. We play outside and Tink and I make brownies and cookies. We do things that they probably do at BFBF's. The difference is that we are trying to show Tink an example of what a loving adult relationship can look like if two grown ups communicate with each other. Big Daddy and I have never had a "fight." We've had disagreements but we spoke to each other like adults and have never yelled or even raised our voices at each other. The disagreement was resolved quickly and we moved on to focus on the things that make us happy in life. Like beer. So I hope that Tink is seeing this as a positive example (the communication, not the beer) and can make some judgements on how healthy relationships work, especially when she gets older. We prefer to keep our house filled with love instead of bitterness.
So now it's got me wondering if Tink's being used as a spy? What goes on at Daddy's? What does Jenn do for a living? Just random, nosey questions that she really has no business asking. We're a normal family. We play outside and Tink and I make brownies and cookies. We do things that they probably do at BFBF's. The difference is that we are trying to show Tink an example of what a loving adult relationship can look like if two grown ups communicate with each other. Big Daddy and I have never had a "fight." We've had disagreements but we spoke to each other like adults and have never yelled or even raised our voices at each other. The disagreement was resolved quickly and we moved on to focus on the things that make us happy in life. Like beer. So I hope that Tink is seeing this as a positive example (the communication, not the beer) and can make some judgements on how healthy relationships work, especially when she gets older. We prefer to keep our house filled with love instead of bitterness.
BFBF once told Big Daddy that she would wind up alone. Either he would die or they would get divorced but either way, she would wind up alone. It runs in her family. Why, I wonder? Maybe it's because this is a cycle that keeps repeating. Maybe she saw her mother act this way toward her father? I have no idea. But the only person that can keep you from being happy is yourself. You should never depend on someone else for your happiness. You should get yourself right and then find someone to share it with. If the only emotions you are exhibiting are negative, then that's the people that you're going to attract. So she can sit alone for the rest of her life and be miserable, but I'll be damned if it's going to affect my family negatively.
I'm sure some day I'm going to do something to piss Tink off. Tell her to do something that BFBF doesn't make her do or whatever and I'm going to get the "You're not my mom" quote, but I hope that Tink sees that I'm not the person that I'm most likely being made out to be by other influences. I am not trying to be Tink's mother. I am just trying to be part of a support system that children need. I'll be her step-mom someday but I'm fully aware that I will never replace her mom, but she also needs to understand that this is my house so it's my rules. If we have a breakdown in our relationship while she's young, it's not going to do anyone any good. So I'm working on communication and trust with her and I hope that it's not being broken down while she is not with us. I hope that when she's older and needs to talk to someone she feels comfortable enough to come to me if her mom is not around. It's just a really frustrating situation, especially when I'm worried that anything I say or do will be held against Big Daddy and put his little bit of time with Tink in jeopardy. It's just something that we'll have to work through as issues arise. So for once in my life, I am going to bite my tongue and just roll with the punches. This is a monumental feat, so wish me luck.
I'm sure some day I'm going to do something to piss Tink off. Tell her to do something that BFBF doesn't make her do or whatever and I'm going to get the "You're not my mom" quote, but I hope that Tink sees that I'm not the person that I'm most likely being made out to be by other influences. I am not trying to be Tink's mother. I am just trying to be part of a support system that children need. I'll be her step-mom someday but I'm fully aware that I will never replace her mom, but she also needs to understand that this is my house so it's my rules. If we have a breakdown in our relationship while she's young, it's not going to do anyone any good. So I'm working on communication and trust with her and I hope that it's not being broken down while she is not with us. I hope that when she's older and needs to talk to someone she feels comfortable enough to come to me if her mom is not around. It's just a really frustrating situation, especially when I'm worried that anything I say or do will be held against Big Daddy and put his little bit of time with Tink in jeopardy. It's just something that we'll have to work through as issues arise. So for once in my life, I am going to bite my tongue and just roll with the punches. This is a monumental feat, so wish me luck.
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