The Most Dangerous Object in the World

In learning from my mistakes, I just wanted to inform everyone that the most dangerous object in the world is a wooden Popsicle stick. Oh, they may seem innocent but the hidden dangers are great.

While enjoying my delicious orange creamsicle last evening, I was finishing up and wouldn't you know I got a freaking splinter IN MY TONGUE. Who does this happen to? Me. So now not only do I have an irrational fear of moths and butterflies, I'm never going to be able to fully enjoy one of summer's greatest treats without remembering the time I went through excruciating pain because of the wretched little stick in the middle.

The left side of my tongue is swollen and I'm not sure if it's from the splinter itself or if it's from trying to dig the stupid thing out with a pair of tweezers. It took me forever and I believe I got it all so let us all pray that my tongue doesn't fall out. I've been gargling Listerine so I'm sure everything will work out in my favor.

But don't say I didn't warn you.

What's the Point in Shooting a Skunk?

I hate people. If I wouldn't worry that I would slowly waste away to nothing and have skin resembling the color of grayish clay, I would probably belong to PETA.

We had a little skunk outside of the Mama's house last night. Why you ask was the skunk outside of our house? Because rather than taking our garbage to the dumpster, someone sat it outside of our back door. So smelling the goodies inside, this poor little skunk came wandering over to get something to eat.

So as it's munching on it's delicious rotted Oscar Mayer Turkey Breast, Trid opens the back door to throw some milk outside (who in the hell knows with her) and sees the skunk. THE CATASTROPHE BEGINS!!! My god you would have thought that someone pushed the button and was about to drop an A-Bomb on the house.

The thing that pissed me off was rather than shooing the skunk away with a broom and taking the garbage to the dumpster, the Mama calls the neighbor to come and shoot it. So being the great redneck hope that he is, he comes up with his .22 prepared to do battle. THERE WAS A FIRE FIGHT!! And rather than (yet again) shooing it away from the house with the broom, he murders the poor little thing right outside. What do you think happens when a skunk dies? It's loses it's stink ALL OVER THE PLACE.

So then since something interesting is happening and the Mama has the back door open, Evel and Shitbrick (my son and nephew, respectively) go outside to investigate and wound up running through the funk. Plus the smell came right into the house through the window that was directly above the massacre that still had the air conditioner in it. Her house smelled horrid.

Then from the boys running through it, they tracked it in the house so it took forever to get rid of the smell. Great thinking guys. It all could have been avoided if you would have just shooed the little guy away and back into the woods where it belongs. And the best thing is that the garbage is still laying where it was, right beside the back steps. Can't wait to see what shows up next.

My Little Scabies of Life

I'm just really irritated today. I have no patience whatsoever for whatever reason. Maybe my planets aren't aligned right or something but I need to vent about the things in my life that drive me up a wall:

• The stupid expression I used above: What in the hell does that mean anyway? How in the hell do you drive something up a wall?

• When our dumb dogs leave little presents on my bedroom floor: It's like a little green light comes on every time I leave my door open that says "Bathroom's Open" to the damned dogs. One of these mornings I am going to get out of bed and step on a doggy landmine and I'm going to explode. It's not really any other room in the house but of course it's mine.

• Dirty Fish Tanks: Seriously, those poor fish are already cooped up with us goofy looking people staring at them all day so why not take a little bit of time and keep their cell clean? At least drop a couple of bucks and buy an algae eater.

• People that backwash in drinks: If I really wanted your spit in my mouth I would kiss you. I don't want to see what you ate for lunch floating in my Cherry Coke.

• Slow drivers that won't get the hell out of the left lane: I've learned recently that on an eight lane highway there are ways to get around this but on these dinky ass little Harrisburg highways, you're stuck. Why in the hell do you feel the need to ride the left lane just because you're doing five miles an hour over the speed limit? You try to pass the person beside you and it takes you 20 miles to do it? Something is wrong here. Thank god I've never had a severed finger that needed reattached within an hour or it would be gone forever because your dumb ass just blew any chance I had of getting to the hospital on time.

• People that don't go when the light turns green: Seriously, you haven't been sitting there that long but yet something has caught your attention and we've now missed the green arrow because it was more important to pick a wad of lint out of your belly button than drive. I wish I could ram your car.

• When someone gets a drink and leaves a sip in the container and puts it back in the fridge: Okay there are 2 ways to avoid this tragic situation. First method is to estimate the amount in the container and pour roughly half into your cup so someone else can get a little more than a swallow. If there is less than half of a cup left in the container, see method two. Method two is to fill your glass and if there's less than half a cup in the above-mentioned container, drink a little bit out of your cup and refill. You will be more hydrated and I won't be pissed off.

• My annoying eating habits: Yes I annoy myself, too. These eating habits include, but are not limited to: picking the crunchy, white lettuce out of my salad, not eating tomatoes because they squish, not eating onions because they smell like armpits, having to cut my meat before I eat it, etc. Please note: all habits may not apply depending on the amount of alcohol consumed.

• When people try to make my name fancy: My name is Jennifer (or Jenni-fah depending on who you are). The short version is Jenn. My name is not Genevieve or Guenevere. I have no idea why people insist on using these names in place of Jennifer. Maybe they think it's cute. I'm telling you it's not.

• Jelly in the peanut butter (or vise versa): These two items are sold in separate jars for a reason; therefore they should stay that way. If I wanted them in the same jar I would buy Goober.

• People that slow down before driving through a green light: Green means go, not hit your brakes and prepare to stop. If someone hits me in an intersection when I have a green light, it's their fault. When you slow down to 20 in a 45, be prepared to be ass ended. It would be safer to just follow normal traffic laws and FUCKING DRIVE.

• Neat Freaks: I just don't get you people. I like to tidy up but I'm never going to obsess over cleanliness. I have better things to do in life than stress out about guests seeing a spot on my carpet when they come over for a dinner party. I'm going to be feeding them enough wine that I'm sure they'll never notice it. Who knows? Maybe someone will get drunk enough to make a new stain on the carpet. At least when I look at that spot I will know that we had an good time when it was made.

• Sandwich overhang: I suppose this should be with the weird eating habits but it annoys me even when I see it on someone else's plate. I have to eat all of the stuff hanging out of the side of my bread/bun before I can take my first bite. It drives me absolutely nuts because I know if I don't get it off of there, it's going to fall on me and I'll make a mess of myself (which happens constantly).

• Neighbor's cars that don't work that are sitting in our yard: You know who you are…

• People that talk on hands free devices while not driving: Seriously, it's kind of creepy. I hear you talking but I don't see anyone there for you to possibly be talking to. That's why you're getting weird looks and people are avoiding you on the street. Back in the day they used to commit people for that kind of monkey business.

• The roads of Pennsylvania: Can someone tell me why there are always horrid traffic jams because PennDot is ALWAYS doing construction somewhere (apparently now even on Sundays during church traffic) and the roads still suck? You leave the state and immediately you can tell because they potholes are no longer big enough to be confused with sink holes. Why don't we use the tax dollars that aren't used for our state government bonuses to hire some more people that know what the hell they're doing so we can get this shit done right?

• Liars: If there is something that you feel will make me not want to be associated with you, please feel free to let me know. If your self-worth is that low that you have to lie to people to feel accepted, why not tell the truth and let us pull you up to our level instead of dragging us down to yours. I'm blatantly honest to a fault but if someone can't handle that then I don't need them in my life. If they can't accept me for who I am, I don't care. At least they know the real me, not a sugarcoated, falsified version of the truth.

• Out of State Drivers on Pennsylvania Roads: Every idiot from the south drives north and every idiot from the north drives south during the holidays and the summer. What's are some of the main routes? 81 and 322. They need their own lanes on the highway and if they're caught in a local lane, any damage incurred from one of us ramming their car cannot be held liable against the PA drivers. Yes, we drive like assholes. Stay the hell out of our way.

• When my sweatshirt strings aren't even: There's no reason for this, I know. It just gets to me.

• The crunchy stuff on the twist top of mustard squeeze bottles: Just wipe it on the bread after you close it! I don't want crunchy, dried-up mustard in my sandwich. Mom - I know it's you!

• People that don't return shopping carts: Seriously, it takes 30 seconds! This is why America has such a problem with obesity. People are too lazy to even walk their carts back to a return!